Medical Conditions Associated With Being Single

Slovenly Bedroom Syndrome. Most prevalent in the newly single population; Slovenly Bedroom Syndrome occurs when one has Given Up on the prospect that another person will bear witness to their… unconventional sleeping quarters. Forgoing regular upkeep of the bedroom is the single person’s way of saying, “No one wants to sleep with me,” or more simply put, “Whatever.”

Cure: A prospective one-night-stand that instead culminates in embarrassment as the single party tries to explain how their laundry basket must have exploded during the four hours they ventured out of the house.

Phone Number Diarrhea. Phone Number Diarrhea is when a single person distributes their phone number to far too many people for no reason other than someone asked and they’re of the preferred sex, why not? The PND sufferer lacks the foresight to recognize that they aren’t interested in Making New Friends or even Going On Dates, that giving out their number has become some sort of undesirable habit – an uncontrollable tick. “OMG, that person said hi to me. Do you want my number? Take it!” Symptoms worsen when intoxicated or horny.

Cure: Changing phone number. Growing some balls and taking a pass once in a while. Asking for the other person’s number as to maintain a semblance of control over the situation.

Schadenfreude Syndrome. Schadenfreude Syndrome (SS) plagues the singles who are jealous of someone else’s relationship. The SS sufferer carefully monitors a couples’ behavior and has a small celebration whenever something appears to have gone wrong. “Melissa posted a sad face as her Facebook status, HAHA!” and “Mike just moved out, but Melissa didn’t move with him… wonder why…” Symptoms include calling friends excitedly when Trouble In Paradise surfaces, taking funny screenshots that imply a break up is imminent, and earnestly wishing for the dissolution of a relationship that does not involve the sufferer.

Cure: Seek professional help.

One and Done Disorder. Sufferers of ODD go on one date and then end things because they are incapable of emotional maturity. Those afflicted will come home from a date gushing about how wonderful it was, but will later give vague excuses as to why they don’t want to see the person again, such as, “Something was off,” or, “There was no spark.” Those with ODD are typically Very Busy With Work, Taking Some “Me” Time, or Not Over Their Ex.

Cure: Loneliness and/or lack of sex.

Dating Website Disease. Dating Website Disease (DWD) is when one grows exasperated with their singledom and proceeds to binge date using one or more dating websites to cast the net as wide as possible. Symptoms of DWD include begging friends to help update profile pictures (via participating in a cringe-worthy photo shoot with the sufferer), excessive IMing and/or messaging with potential dates, and rummaging through matches like they’re on the sales rack at Macy*s.

Cure: Meeting someone ‘special.’ Deactivating profile(s).

Separation Anxiety. Separation Anxiety occurs when one is expected to ‘fly the coop’ or ‘abandon the safety net’ in order to go on a date. The impending hour of doom causes the SA sufferer to grow remorseful for committing to plans when they could, like, be hanging out on their laptop or channel surfing. Sufferers may also feel reluctant to leave their neighborhood, their friends, their favorite bar, or their bed.

Cure: Vodka.