This Week On Planet Internet: Bloggers

Every day, humans open up their web browsers and Twitter applications with the hope that their favorite blog has been updated with relevant, digestible content. But where do these oft-underedited chunks of content come from? Who are the beasts behind the blogs? This week on Planet Internet, we’ll take a look at one of the most misunderstood creatures to crawl the web – Bloggers.

To begin the metamorphosis from human to Blogger, the young scribe must pledge to leave its friends and family behind, vowing to start anew. A tearful goodbye ensues – this is perhaps the last time the young Blogger is able to show genuine emotion without immediately opening the Notes application on their iPhone and jotting down their Feelings with the intention of later committing them to the CMS of WordPress. Migration begins during early adulthood and typically takes anywhere between one and six hours (however long it takes to fly to Brooklyn, NY – this will depend on the Blogger’s origin).

Once the lifecycle of the Blogger has begun, it starts to Experience Things for the sole purpose of writing about them. Things To Be Experienced include internet dating, raves in Bushwick, strip clubs, The West Indian Day Parade, and a trip to the Staten Island Mall. As the brain starts to rewire itself, the Blogger begins to concoct memories of events that never occurred, such as traumatic breakups, excommunication from the church post-tattoo, and the time it almost died in a tragic elephant riding accident at Six Flags Great Adventure. Onlookers will begin to wonder exactly how the Blogger has overcome the combined adversities of seventy people at the young age of twenty-three.

That mystery is second to only one – just how does the Blogger survive? Just how, exactly? I mean, is blogging a real job? The surprising answer is two-fold. [Pan camera to Blogger in a café.] Here, we see a young Blogger in its natural habitat. It has been subsisting on Iced Americanos and Nutella-smothered bagels for three days now. The Blogger has not showered or seen its pet cat during this time period – when it is not blogging, it is behind the counter of the café, serving the same meals that sustain its very being.

Now, look a bit closer. Do you see the rapid clicking of the mouse? The Blogger is refreshing its browser. This is the second survival mechanism of the Blogger  – Facebook shares, Twitter shares, and Comments. The smug satisfaction achieved by Going Viral is enough to keep the Blogger alive for weeks, even months.

The Blogger – I’m sorry, I need to take a breath this is so fascinating – whew, okay – the Blogger has a very unique mating ritual, indeed. Bloggers are known for cross-species breeding – often mating with humans who feed the Blogger’s ego by sharing, liking, and commenting on the Blogger’s articles. In order to pique the Blogger’s interest, suitors should employ the following transparent tactics: ‘hearting’ content on Tumblr, ReTweeting articles, liking content on Facebook, commenting in a positive manner, and the ultimate act of love – anonymously battling Trolls on the Blogger’s behalf.

While the Blogger will precariously mate with anyone who seems to be ‘Bloggable Material,’ the act of true commitment can be observed when one Blogger asks another to create a blog all their own. This melding of the minds typically ends after 3-6 months, once the Bloggers realize that no one is interested in their relationship, and that they are stronger individually than the sum of their massive egos.

The typical lifespan of the Blogger is anywhere between one and four years, at which point it will meet one of two polarizing fates – a book deal; or the unshakeable imprint of irrelevancy.

And there you have it – the brief, immaterial life of the Blogger. Join us next week, when we explore the fact and fiction behind the internet’s favorite bad guy, the Troll. This has been Planet Internet, C U SOON.