19 Things That Will Happen If I Don’t Have My Morning Coffee

1. Responding to a joke with the world’s most “heh, okay, please leave me alone” laugh because I just don’t have time to pretend like your shit is funny.

2. Having my already-incredibly low tolerance for loud children on morning public transportation be reduced to a barely concealed rage that includes wishing nothing but stepping on Legos for your children’s day.

3. Turning around in my chair and answering an innocuous question with a tone that screams “What the fuck do YOU want?”

4. Feeling an insatiable hunger for greasy foods, which is really just a deceived body that doesn’t know how to deal with the fact that it hasn’t got its morning burst of drugs.

5. Scarcely hiding the fact that I am falling asleep at my desk every time my back is turned and I’m sure that no one can see my eyes are closed.

6. Having absolutely no tolerance for your chipper questions along the lines of, “Looks like someone didn’t get a lot of sleep last night!”

7. Leaving bitchy comments on everyone’s Facebook statuses because, let’s be honest, no one gives even the smallest sliver of a shit about how #blessed your morning is or how your child is taking its first big boy poops in the potty.

8. Shooting looks of unbridled jealousy at the asshole across from me on the subway who somehow had time to stop at Starbucks on the way and is now enjoying his latté like there are no problems anywhere in the world and I am not suffering right in front of him.

9. Having an overwhelming urge to kick the small dogs that are tied up outside of the coffee shops with lines far too long to wait in them.

10. Understanding what it means to hate when I see an intern walking into an office building with no fewer than 16 coffees for everyone in his entire department, and knowing that I can’t just kick him in the shins and steal it without getting arrested.

11. Completely zoning out during my coworker’s thrilling speech about what he did this weekend and how it was so great and it’s so wonderful to get those moments out of the office every now and again, even though we’re really lucky to have a job that we love in this economy, you know what I mean???

12. Ignoring that there is someone behind me when I allow the door to slam in their face instead of holding it open for them to walk through after me.

13. Deeply resenting the person who doesn’t hold the door open for me even more than usual, even though I know that it makes me a total hypocrite.

14. Intentionally not responding to your email asking me to do something even remotely mentally taxing.

15. Spending the majority of my morning listlessly browsing through blogs and filling up online shopping baskets, only to empty them when I realize that I still have no money.

16. Attempting to replace the missing coffee with a diet coke I find at the bottom of my bag, only to remember that if morning caffeine isn’t hot and steamy and frothy and perfect, the human body refuses to recognize it.

17. Considering quitting my job and going to work on some organic coffee farm somewhere.

18. Escaping at the very first chance to go a few doors down and order the largest latté that the barista is equipped to make, and suddenly feeling like a flower that is opening up in the sunlight after so many years of rainy seasons.

19. Vaguely realizing that this might be a problem of some kind, but still not caring, because if coffee is a dangerous drug, then I am happy to be addicted. And I don’t want any of your English Breakfast methadone.