I Don’t Remember How You Feel Anymore

Each day that passes, there is something else about you that vanishes from my mind. I don’t want to remember things about you, but at the same time, I never want to forget. I’m constantly fighting with myself over the thought of you and it’s eating me alive. You played such a huge role in my life and now you’re gone.

I can’t remember how it felt to have our feet touch while we drifted off. I can’t remember how it felt to be woken up by you pulling me into your arms half asleep. I can’t remember the taste our kiss created. I can’t remember how the butterflies felt in my stomach when your kiss turned into much more, turned into you needing more to touch than just our lips. I can’t remember the sensation you gave me while your crystal blue eyes as brilliant as the water in the Caribbean bore into my not-as-beautiful hazel eyes.

I can’t remember how it felt to have my fingers rake through your thick, chestnut colored hair till you fell asleep in my lap. I can’t remember how your skin felt at the end of my fingertips when I was scratching your back or even just touching your arm while we lay around; because I needed to have that contact to know that you were still there even though our relationship was slipping through my fingers. The thing that hurts the most, though, is I can’t remember how it felt to be loved by you.

Even though we fought a lot, I loved you. I could tell that the love you had for me was disappearing a little more each day. I wanted you, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I had dreams that I wanted to fulfill with you. Dreams that are now “what-ifs.” Like they are laughing in my face showing me what I could have had with you. You meant the world to me. I would have done anything I could have in my power if it meant it was helping you in any way, shape, or form.

Now I see that what we had wasn’t mutual. So I sit here and think to myself, do you miss what we had? Do you miss how it felt to fall asleep next to me? Can you remember how anything felt with me? Do you remember how it felt to have our relationship dwindle away, like the pouring rain beating down on a child’s chalk art on the sidewalk? Do you remember how it felt to be loved by me?

I will never know the answers to those questions and many more that float around in my mind every day. It might have been easy for you to let go, but I struggle on a daily basis. There is never an hour that goes by that I don’t think of you, think of how you’re doing. I think about if you’re with another girl at that exact moment, and a little part of me dies a little. It still hurts, but I’m managing to pull through this.