How To Destroy Yourself In 7 Easy Steps

If you are reading this, chances are you are a basket case or at least on the way to becoming one. Welcome to the club! Jokes aside, destruction is beautiful, isn’t it? That’s probably why poets and artists flirt with it all the time. And it’s not too difficult to achieve either. A few packs of pessimism, a dash of despair and a sprinkle of self-loathing is all you need to trek down this scenic route to hell. Here, let me show you the way.

1. Love obsessively and compulsively. That person who cheats, abuses, puts you down and can never love you back? Cling onto them like there’s no tomorrow, because you were made for great, epic-quality love and not some mundane practical shit that everyone keeps talking about. It is your mission in life to give, give and give some more until every ounce of emotional lifeblood is sucked out of you. But who needs that thing anyway – you are destiny’s child, and you can always regenerate those lost pieces of your soul, like an effin’ lizard. Loving for you is a NEED – being loved, not so much. Self-love, self-respect and similar funk can go bite dust. Also, those people totally deserve to see you go down because of them. Power kicks, anyone?

2. Tell yourself you are no good. Because you really aren’t. I mean, just look at yourself in the mirror. You have made a mess of your life and you are a wreck. You have failed in relationships, in your career and you are a colossal disappointment, even to yourself. You have sallow skin and bags under your eyes. What on earth makes you think that tomorrow will be any better? You will never get out of your sucky behavioral patterns because they have come to define you. And why should you let go of them – those loyal things can always be trusted to get you back in the doldrums in case, by some freaky stroke of fate, things start looking up. You don’t deserve love. Or success. Or even ice-cream because you are so fuckin’ fat.

3. Get addicted to something. Anything. Drugs, alcohol, antidepressants. Because nothing gives your mood an instant face-lift like a healthy dose of happy pills. Whaddya mean “learn to deal with emotions in a healthy way”? Isn’t that jazz for the Art of Living brand of morons? Moreover, why bother with anything else when you can pharmaceutically eliminate the root cause of all your misery – YOU! Those meds will neutralize all your thoughts, feelings, fears, anxieties, passions, creativity, rage, insecurities and you will settle into a comfortable numbness. You sure can do without that perpetual chaos in your head, no? Trust me, Zombie life is the good life.

4. Push those people away. Yes, all of them. Even the ones that love you to the moon and back, and are hurting to see you this way. Build a nice, strong wall around you and cocoon yourself in a dark shell because nothing’s worse than a warm hug or words of assurance when you’re broken and lost. Now tell yourself you are strong and you’re going to be ok because you don’t need stupid things like love and care from fellow humans. And what do they know about your exotic little misery? It’s not like they’ve been in your soup, or any soup for that matter. You are the High Command of Misery and no body can take that away from you. Who do they think they are anyway – pathetic mortals trying to save you and all that? You don’t owe them a thing! The only hand you need to hold is the cold, clammy hand of depression because that’s the one that’s going to see you off to your grave.

5. Nurture suicidal thoughts. Can you feel a weed of a suicidal thought germinate in some dark, damp corner of your mind? Wait, don’t let it go yet. Catch hold of it and nurture it till it takes over like a weed in the already unkempt garden of your mind. And don’t limit yourself to the cliché, done-to-death (pun intended) methods like hanging, poisoning and wrist slashing – get innovative. How about injecting yourself with some HIV+ve blood stolen from a pathology lab for slow, painful death or a plain shot of air if you’d like it quick? If you have to shoot yourself in the head, make sure you buy yourself the fanciest gun you can afford, preferably a jewel studded one with your initials engraved on it. If you are talented enough, you will be able to kill yourself in many different ways. Social suicide, professional suicide, domestic suicide are just some ideas to trigger your imagination. Oops, did I just say “trigger”?

6. Make melancholy your mistress. Woo her. Romance her. Make sweet, tender love to her so she never leaves you even for a second. And should happiness lurk anywhere around you like a temptation from the devil, always remind yourself how it is a fleeting illusion and how pain is a constant. Find your comfort in darkness because light is blinding – not to mention temporary.

7. Pick at those scabs. Every wound – physical, mental and emotional – has a way of healing itself but not if you diligently sit every night and scratch away the half-formed scabs. Do that everyday to keep them bleeding and festering because heaven forbid, if they heal into scars and eventually fade away, you’ll be damned into the land of peace and happiness. Just the thought of that makes you want to throw up, doesn’t it?