The Apologies I Don’t Owe You

Here’s the thing- I don’t owe you anything. At all. Technically, you don’t owe me anything either. Feels like you should- but the reality is we don’t owe each other a single thing anymore. That’s a part of it, when it ends; your ability to cut yourself clean from responsibility toward another is finally validated in your own mind.

That being said, there are a few things I’d like to send your way.

I’m sorry that I wasn’t the person I am now. I honestly don’t even know if you’d like her, but I think she’s amazing. She’s grown so much in such a short period of time, and I can’t tell you how proud of her I am. I hope you can see that from a distance. Though frankly, I wouldn’t be who I am now if our ending hadn’t happened. I know that. It’s an unfortunate reality.

I’m sorry that I wasn’t as fun or as lively as I could’ve been. I let my work drag me down; I let my life drag me down. I constantly leaned on you to make it better and upon reflection; I don’t think that was fair. You deserved a lot more than I gave you when our relationship started. You know that.

I’m sorry that I didn’t celebrate you more when I had you- there are so many moments I look back on and regret not spending with you. In all honesty though, I wouldn’t change but one or two things about what we had and who we were. So I’m not sure how legitimate this one is.

I’m sorry I didn’t capitalize on our time. I do all of these things now, I go all of these places, and I think- “why didn’t we do any of this together?” I was so new to relationships, I didn’t understand the ticking time bomb that they are, that I didn’t fully embrace what it could’ve been. This is not a mistake I will make twice.

I’m sorry you only ever saw this ending. We both did, for a bit, but eventually I started to see that final ‘door’ of ours open up. I thought it could’ve gone somewhere. I think that door always stayed shut for you. You knew I was going to leave. You knew it would’ve been too hard for you when I did. Or maybe it was always okay that this was going to end, I guess I don’t actually know. I know you’re stronger than you think. One day, you’ll find someone who you can actually see all the possibilities with. I hope we both do.

As sorry as I am, as sorry as I wish you were, I’m not really sorry at all. I loved every minute of being with you, even when I pretended that I didn’t. You taught me so much, in good and in bad ways, and I can’t thank you enough for that. I also can’t thank myself enough for taking the chance to learn from our mutual mistakes. I have a distinctive feeling these are lessons I will not have to repeat.

I truly hope for a brighter future for the both of us. I will always want the best for you, no matter what you hear, no matter what you infer, know that this is the truth. I believe we will grow up to be incredible humans if we allow ourselves to do so. Don’t waste this chance. I know I won’t.

I want to encourage you to be bold. Be awesome. Be everything you’re scared you’ll never be good enough to be. You’re already better than you think. And never forget that I care, even if it has to look different now.

I believe in you, always have.