I Will Leave You In 2019, And I Won’t Look Back

I will leave you in 2019, but not what you taught me. I refuse to forget how you filled my heart with fireflies that brightened up my world, lighting up all the stars in the sky, leaving my eyes glimmering with admiration under white fluorescent lights. I won’t leave behind the memories of our love; how we illustrated the true meaning of devotion by fighting so fervently and valiantly till the end of our story, leaving our hands and our hearts gashed wide open with visible scars of our battle, along with the dying wish that our love would prevail.

I will leave you in 2019, but not the pain that progressed in your presence. I won’t forget the days I longed for your love and how while my passion intensified, yours deteriorated into confusion and broken promises. I won’t forget what it felt like to not be enough, how you made me feel like I wasn’t enough. I won’t forget the feeling of self-doubt, the destruction you set to my self-worth. I won’t forget this feeling because it helps me remember that I deserve better. I will leave you behind because I deserve someone that will choose me and love me always.

I will leave you in 2019, but not the memories of me molding myself in the person you wanted me to be. I won’t leave behind the days that I was your escape; the days when you drowned yourself in me to rid yourself of the hostility and uncertainty that your future had to offer. I won’t forget the days I would run to you to be your refuge, how my world stopped spinning on its axis, and from then on each breath that I breathed was meant for you.

I won’t forget that when I was with you, I forgot about myself. That when I looked into your copper captivating eyes as I ran my hand through your hair, I drained myself of love and handed it to you with open arms, hoping you would hold it and protect it at all costs, only for you to throw it away carelessly back into the sea dying dreams. I will leave you in 2019, but not the memory of the person I used to be. I won’t let it leave because the memories are a reminder that from now on, I will not break off a part of myself to please you or anyone else.

I will leave you in 2019, but not the growth I accumulated in our time of conflict. I’ll remember the days I let you break the barriers to my heart, the day the walls came tumbling down and I gave you the key to my vulnerability. I won’t leave behind the girl who was once broken; the girl who tirelessly marched to the top of the hill and professed her love, only for a storm to stubbornly strike, making the dirt melt to mud as she stumbled down the mountain falling into an inevitable void.

I won’t forget the girl who became too scared to let love in, who saw deception in the eyes of men who were pure. I won’t leave her behind in 2019 because she is a symbol of strength and perseverance, but she is also a reminder of the distrusting and suspicious girl you molded me to be. Instead of leaving her behind, I will bring her along to remind myself she is the person I no longer want to be. I won’t forget her so that the girl with the fragmented heart and defeated soul never reaches the surface again.

I promise myself that in 2020 I will manifest a new life for myself. I will facilitate a world that encompasses love, I will not let my past shatter my ambitions for my future. I promise I won’t leave behind our beautiful memories, the pain that pervaded my heart, nor the girl I used to be. But above all else, I will make one last promise to myself. I promise I will leave you in 2019 and I promise I’ll never look back.