This Is Me Learning To Unlove You
Most say that time heals a broken heart, that within a matter of months you become renewed, ready to take on the world- ready for a new relationship. Although, some of us know this is untrue. It’s not that easy and honestly, as the clock moves forward it never will be. Losing the love of your life is more than a “heartbreak”, it leaves you lifeless not just lonely. It’s breaking off a piece of yourself and pretending it never existed, it’s looking in the mirror and no longer recognizing the person you once were or now the person you’re supposed to be. I laugh when I hear the phrase “time heals”, time cannot possibly begin to heal because when the relationship you treasured ends, time stops.
Everything becomes a blur, yet days feel like weeks and minutes feel pointless without them. Every simple item becomes a reminder and the clothes they left behind always seem to reappear. Sleeping alone seems abnormal and the feel of their touch and gentle embrace will always resonate in your mind, like a constant remembrance of what’s lost.
I never have understood breakups or the idea behind how love dies. Sometimes I think it’s not a matter of burnout or how sparks die, maybe its because love didn’t exist to begin with or maybe because it wasn’t enough. Some say if you really love someone you will never truly unlove them, regardless of the trials and tribulations you may face, regardless of how badly it ended. I believe this as true. Although this just makes it so much harder to move on. How do you begin to move on when love and passion will persistently flow through your veins, as you make yourself ready to open up your heart if there’s a chance they’ll ever let you back into theirs.
I ask because honestly I still don’t know. It’s sad really- that the person who holds a forgiving heart and infinite hope and affection will always be left broken.
I question the people that can easily seek the love of another individual shortly after a relationship has ended. I loathe them. I also envy them. I know that some of you are familiar with the feelings of hope after a relationship ends. That maybe they will change their mind eventually, that your love was too strong to be broken so quickly and end so permanently. Although even though some of us know it’s the end of the road, we still hold on to hope, regardless of if you witnessed the emptiness and hollowness in the eyes of the one you cherish as they said goodbye, the disintegration of love in their eyes. I’ve made the same decision, to hold on to the memories and treasure your love, in case your wish comes true. However, you cannot just sit there, wallow in your sorrows waiting for their return, because the cold reality of it all is they probably won’t.
Life isn’t like fairytales and sometimes the shoe doesn’t always fit. But losing the love of your life, your first love or whoever they may be, doesn’t mean you have to lose yourself. Sometimes love can be a prison. If it’s not hope you hold onto its probably betrayal and regret. For this reason, people find it difficult to move on, as stupid as it sounds sometimes moving on feels wrong like you’re betraying the bond and devotion you once held for them, it feels wrong even if you witness them moving on with someone else.
One of the best ways to move on is not to fall out of love but to redirect that love and fall in love with yourself. I find one of the hardest parts of losing a relationship is losing sight of who you are just because the person you trusted most and admired chose to no longer see the true value inside. Just because they left doesn’t mean it has disappeared, because that beauty and kindness that resonates inside you mattered even before they chose to notice it. Sometimes I feel like a fraud, writing about something that I do not quite truly understand because loving yourself it’s not as simple as reciting your A B C’s and doesn’t happen overnight.
The truth is there is no quick fix to heartbreak, and taking the express lane will only result in a major crash leaving you to repair the broken pieces that you never really fixed in the first place. There will be mornings you’re fine, maybe days when you feel like the sun shines a little brighter and the sky appears a lighter shade of blue, but the nights filled with excruciating pain and loss will always follow, leaving you to wonder if you were ever actually okay at all. But we have to keep trying, trying to love ourselves, because one thing I’ve learned from heartbreak is no one is going to love you better than you can love yourself.
You may always love them. I can admit that I don’t think I can ever truly unlove the man who was once my world, who had a smile that could end all wars, the person I considered home. And that’s okay. I don’t have all the answers of how to move on, what I do know is love is meant to be given, to be received, to lift spirits, to comfort and elicit an abundance of warmth and jubilation.
But don’t let love hold you prisoner. Love is a gift. And it’s okay to shelter and hold onto all that love you procure, just don’t forget to give a little bit to yourself.
