Shawn Binder

Wonder if all the gay men you were promised when you came out are hiding on the closed set of a Britney Spears’ music video.

If I want to eat this entire pizza and milkshake, don’t shame me with your eyes or remind me of how many crunches i’ll need to do to keep my body in tip-top-twink form.

We’re taught we should be bold and passionate by bringing our loves flowers and making grand gestures like standing in the rain with a boom-box over our heads like John Cusack in, “Say Anything…”

Go Lindsay-Lohan-Parent-Trap style on their ass and move all their furniture onto the roof.

Will you stand by me if I grow old and tired, or begin to wither away before your eyes before i’m ready.

Check your calendar, then check it again. Realize that, “the time of your life,” is slowly drawing to a close. Remind yourself that you’re actually just getting starting.

I’m convinced that Angela Bassett is a witch for being able to look that good at the age of 55.

Anyone who thinks they are too good for casual Tex-Mex dining is suspect, in my opinion.

Not sure which is worse, having a boyfriend who cheats or a boyfriend who systematically plots to slaughter all my witch friends.

I’ve caught two teenagers fucking inside the theater for ‘The Crazies.’ Sort of poetic, really.

You’ve stopped squeezing my hand three times like we practiced for when we’re out in public and you want to silently tell me ‘I love you.’

If this is your mental health day; there is no room for your body insecurities on the couch.

I need you to yell, I need you to simmer. I want you to cry and to laugh and smile and to sulk in the three-dollar movie theater because I refused to hold your hand.

Only bad people live to see their likeness set in stone
What does that make me?

Every time your drunk uncles (drunkles?) get into a fight about sports/politics/religion.

You are everything that has ever made you cry. You are everything that has ever made you laugh.

Dude, it is 2013, there is pornhub…there is no reason for you to make creepy sex tapes of your ex wife. I will buy you a Brazzers membership. I will personally buy you one if you just stop.

Frat boys are so homoerotic sometimes I can’t stand it. Just spank each other, already. I won’t try to stop you!