20 Hilarious Jokes To Instantly Make Your Day Better
https://twitter.com/duplicitron/status/335861261118078977
I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm rarely ever included in things either.
— Chris Hudspeth (@CEHudspeth) August 20, 2013
I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts "Batman" when he's drunk. I know I do.
— Matt (@sucittaM) January 14, 2013
If your dad leaves you a voicemail and it doesn't include the time it wasn't really your dad and you and your dad are both in danger.
— Tyler Schmall (@tylerschmall) June 23, 2013
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it's not.
— Alex Mann (@alexjmann) August 21, 2013
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) June 17, 2013
A drunk Bob the Builder calls his ex-wife at 3am & sobs into the answering machine “CAN WE FIX IT?? CAN WE??” Not this time Bob.
— rob fee (@robfee) July 5, 2013
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
— Robin McCauley Lynch (@RobinMcCauley) September 20, 2013
https://twitter.com/iRowlf/status/319903542678786049
i ask my dates the important questions upfront like "are you cool with a harry potter themed wedding"
— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) November 5, 2013
https://twitter.com/Leemanish/status/390238418304630784
these chicks at the park aren't into u bros they just wanna pet ur dog. i,ll explain more later when i done crawlin around in dog costume
— conor hankinson (@ConorTripler) February 22, 2013
WHO LET THE OWLS OUT?? DON’T SING THE CHORUS YOU’LL MAKE IT WORSE
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) July 12, 2013
1. Take pictures of every cat in your neighborhood
2. Make missing cat posters with the pictures
3. Get all the cats
— Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) March 22, 2013
https://twitter.com/thepatrickwalsh/status/390551810118651905
https://twitter.com/rorynotroy/status/348844148650016768
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I'm moving too fast, but I'd like permission to rename your cat.
— Jason (@longwall26) September 27, 2013
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone— yoyoha (@yoyoha) May 27, 2013
https://twitter.com/robwhisman/status/328631422845853696
https://twitter.com/mattingebretson/status/358099993745309696
