20 Hilarious Jokes You Have To Read Immediately

This is guaranteed to brighten your day.

Updated 10 years ago, September 2, 2014

https://twitter.com/luckyshirt/status/367120565905014786

Every woman has her date bra and her fat pants and her crying shirt and her murder wig and her courtroom brooch.

— Rachel Lichtman (@rachelichtman) July 21, 2012

Sometimes I wonder if I'm pregnant and then I realize I would have to be like 19 months pregnant

— Mary Kobayashi (@MaryKoCo) November 5, 2012

"No its cool. Ive been working nonstop while your grandpa laid in the bed. He def deserves to go to Wonka's Factory over me." -Charlie's Mom

— rob fee (@robfee) June 11, 2014

Try to imagine pugs living in the wild, just roaming in the forest in packs.

— pat tobin (@tastefactory) April 10, 2012

If you're behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you're not a threat by gently kissing their neck.

— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) August 27, 2012

https://twitter.com/tarashoe/status/407940074358059008

https://twitter.com/lawblob/status/292044996922707968

You know the second after you bleach your anus someone is going to spill red wine on it, right?

— Lisa Beth Johnson (@ladybirdj) June 20, 2012

Why is Uncle Sam our uncle? Did America's parents die in a car crash? Are we Batman? I'd like that.

— Jill Morris (@JillMorris) June 17, 2011

"Hun, I'm quitting my job and going to learn to become a psychic. Now I know what you're thinking, well not yet. I'm going to learn though"

— brent (@murrman5) January 3, 2014

Women can split open our bodies & chuck living human beings out of our midsections so how about you go ahead & pay us as much as men.

— Paige (@PeachCoffin) August 23, 2014

https://twitter.com/Brandamonium/status/193870363984273409

yes hello 911, i just accidentally liked my ex's vacation pic from 2004

— chuuch (@ch000ch) July 7, 2014

https://twitter.com/msdanifernandez/status/339505577426317312

"Son, what you walked in on your mother and I doing, it's-

Wrestling?

"Haha what? No, it's sex and it's awesome. Your mother is a freak,"

— matt (@shadygrenade) May 6, 2014

WHAT ABOUT SNACKCHAT I'D BE ON THAT

— Lynn Bixenspan (@lynnbixenspan) August 22, 2014

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) June 5, 2014

I'm gonna take u home, take off your clothes & then have u put on slightly more comfortable versions of those same clothes -Mr. Rogers sext

— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) February 27, 2014