Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.

— Amanda Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) August 18, 2013

If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out "Marry me?" on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.

— Nick (@NickSchug) August 16, 2011

Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I'm in the bathroom. pic.twitter.com/IOo89Vypy7

— chelsea anét (@chelseaanet) March 16, 2014

"Follow your dreams!" – rich people

— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) April 8, 2014

https://twitter.com/Simon_Barrett/status/332176683601903617

https://twitter.com/Lindzeta/status/464153067332845568

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, "I'll keep that in mind" and walk off

— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) July 2, 2014

https://twitter.com/kanye/status/189783237676105728

I'm similar to a male seahorse in the following ways: 1.) cool hair 2.) baby pouch 3.) never seen an owl up close

— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) April 14, 2012

is there anything more capitalist than a peanut with a top hat, cane, and monocle selling you other peanuts to eat

— Cohen is a ghost (@skullmandible) August 29, 2013

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.

— rob fee (@robfee) February 16, 2014

If two people are arguing and one person says, "You know what…" that argument is about to get awesome.

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) June 25, 2011

Dance like you aren't depressed. Sing like you didn't kill that homeless guy. Love like you don't have herpes.

— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) January 12, 2012

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