I first want to recognize that I know this is an unusual blog post, but I have an incredible amount of feelings on this topic, and I believe it’s time put those feelings out into the universe.

Since the invention of the smartphone, hemorrhoid companies have never been happier, and bathroom stays have never been longer. I used to read comic books on the toilet as a child, but now as an iPhone carrying adult, I can do literally anything I want while I’m on the throne – and then tweet about it after.

When you’re at home: do whatever you want in your bathroom! I don’t really give a stinky shit! But listen, when it comes to the workplace bathroom – there are rules. And I assumed that we all knew what they were, but I have had some experiences that would make you GASP so apparently some of us aren’t up-to-date.

MY WORKPLACE BATHROOM RULES

1. DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT GOING IN THE MIDDLE STALL UNLESS IT’S THE ONLY OPTION

Again, my mind is blown that some people do not follow this rule. The middle stall should only be used as a last resort in like, every case I can ever think of. Leaving that middle stall open gives Stall 1 and Stall 3 a precious, much needed 30-inch space of privacy between each other. Taking up occupancy in Middle Stall (also known as No Man’s Can) is just a solid no-no (or a liquid no-no, depending on what you had for lunch)

2. THE HANDICAPPED STALL IS A COVETED SPOT SO BE A TEAM PLAYER PLEASE!

Obviously, I love the big stall. I spend a lot of time in there. I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, I’ve even watched a YouTube video with the sound on really low. We all want to be in the big stall. But we are not animals! We must balance this primal want! If you know you’re just going to be in there for a quick pee, and your day is going well, save that dream seat for someone else who might look like they need it when they walk in with you. Sometimes I also cry in the big stall! Or I’ve had a bad day and I need to furiously take Buzzfeed quizzes with my pants around my ankles in a big, yet somewhat private setting. So make sure you rotate vacancy with this in mind!

3. DON’T TUG ON THAT BIG STALL DOOR ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?

We are vulnerable when on the toilet! Our ass is out, our thighs are exposed, and our entire sense of dignity is one stare-through-the-crack-of-the-door away from obliteration. We are fragile beings on a porcelain throne. So keep in mind, that when you tug on that handicapped door stall to see if it’s open, I literally feel like I’m going to die. I don’t know if it brings up old flashbacks of my mom going through my childhood room, or if it’s the sudden shock of it all, but I can tell you that I 100% feel like Pooping Anne Frank every time that it happens. Just lightly give one push! Don’t yank back and forth jesus you’re playing with people’s lives here!

4. THIS IS A PLACE OF SILENCE

Imagine this: You’re on the toilet. You’re catching up on the latest trending topics on Twitter, quietly having a moment, when two girls come in – loudly in conversation – and continue their conversation over the entire course of the bathroom experience. Absolutely not. We can not stand (or squat) for this. The bathroom is a place of silence! Grunting and splashing and paper rolling aside – words must not be spoken! I don’t even like to greet people in the bathroom with any more than a “hey”. To utter a “how are you?” is simply out of the question. Offensive. Save it for the water cooler!

5. THE LONGER YOU STARE AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR, THE LONGER I SPENT ON THE TOILET IN FEAR

I believe this is mainly in regards to the women’s bathroom – but this could be a gender-neutral thing, you feel me? I’m on the toilet and yes, despite my social media bathroom boldness, I’ve got a shy bladder! I go into the bathroom let things out, and when you stand at the mirror fixing your hair, or just staring, or putting on makeup – the things inside of me, stay inside of me. And that’s what causes high blood pressure, and also C-sections.

If you want to look at yourself in the mirror, and someone else is in a bathroom stall, you have to limit your mirror time to 30 seconds or less. Otherwise you literally owe that bathroom occupant a hand-written apology note and a gift certificate to Panera. I don’t make the rules.

Well, I have to say, that was pretty cathartic.

From the bottom of my heart and the top of my colon – thank you for reading this. I truly believe that ~education is the key~ and if enough people learn My Workplace Bathroom Rules, soon we will be raising an entire generation of bathroom-aware children!