Letter to Amaanat

शब्द : अमानत
amaanat, amanat means
1. strict observance of promises, duties, etc
2. to place for safekeeping or in trust
3. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc, of a person or thing; confidence

I don’t know what I can say to prepare you or if there really is any significance in saying anything at all. I don’t even know how this goes, I’ve had practice in observing my own but to be one? I can’t even fathom it. Shit, I bet that’s not exactly the best introduction about who I am. When I was young I knew that my life was going to be different, I think I was about 8 years old when I could see that things weren’t going to go in a straight line. So that’s the first thing; do not expect your life or your journey or your story to go according to a plan in your head. I think that’s the first misstep we all take when we come into this world.

As time went on, things actually started to get worse because somehow I had convinced myself that I was going to design a life that other people could be proud of. This is the second thing; do not, I repeat, do not make a life, design the person who are in someone else’s stomach, even mine. I tried to keep the peace by trying to live up to a set of expectations, all different, that every single person had for me. I needed to be cute, but not pretty. Smart but not intelligent, intriguing but not weird (whatever that fucking means), talkative but not too talkative, I needed to be a great listener but have a voice. These are battling norms that you will face your entire life, so don’t be surprised when you are attacked as soon as you are old enough to see straight.

I guess this wasn’t supposed to be a warning notice now was it? I’m sorry, I am failing you already and you aren’t even here yet. I make a lot of mistakes and have many regrets but you, babygirl, you are not one of them. Being the type of person I am slowly growing into, I want you, I see light in having you and I know that you can’t fix me because that isn’t your purpose.  I thought I could never want something like you, I didn’t think it was possible. I’m single by the way and have been for a very long time, so a man’s presence might not be in the cards for an even longer time. I just want you to know, because I know that you’ll be teased endlessly, I do not hate men. I just haven’t found someone worthy of you and me. I don’t even know if he exists, but that doesn’t have anything to do with you.

I think I’m going to continue this letter with the hopes that one day you’ll read it and you’ll think of me, remember me and maybe if on that day you aren’t feeling particularly strong or brave, this will give you a little bit of faith. I want you to know that you aren’t perfect, okay? No one is and to think that you have to cut and sew and stitch your self worth together with the words and miss-behaviours of others because you aren’t worthy of love and loyalty and greatness the way you are is not only dangerous, it’s wrong. Just know that everything you have inside of you, growing, blooming and evolving, is all you’ll ever need and if someone comes along trying to convince you otherwise, listen to that voice, your voice, and walk away.

Life is disappointing and so are the people that you’re going to meet along the way. They will hurt you in the most vicious of ways, sometimes without even physically touching you and I know that seems confusing but just know that it is possible, I’ve been through it and so have the generations before me and it doesn’t get any easier. But you stay righteous girl, you don’t faulter and when you are at your most darkest hour and feel like you can’t see the end of the tunnel, just know that it will pass and it is okay to ask for help from the people that love you. People, good and whole hearted people are a necessity and I will try my best to provide you with the tools you need to seek them.

Boys. They will break your heart, shatter your soul and make you feel like broken pieces of glass, bleeding in an alleyway somewhere. Wait, don’t leave, there’s more. To every dark cloud, there is a ray of hope. Some boys will be there for you in ways you could never imagine and will provide humour to situations you thought you would never see. You will smile when you are with them and eat lots and trust more. It will be scary at first because the men before them have led you to believe to always be on your guard. Your walls are there to protect you but sometimes they need to crumble, to let light in.  They will make you feel like you are more beautiful and capable than you ever thought possible, your wings will be visible again, if you have any doubts. But these aren’t boys, they are champions, made to keep up with and hold up queens just like you. Keep them around, they are important.

I have so much to tell you, but it’s getting late and I’m fading so I’ll leave you with a couple of more things. Don’t wilt, you are a rose that grows from concrete, a miracle, a star, a warrior. Sometimes your light can be too bright for some, these folks will try to bask in your rays and take it for themselves without returning anything to you. Some will see your light from far away and it will help them, give them hope because they are too hurt and broken to see the light within themselves. Help them, give to them, you will receive much more than you bargained for and I promise it will be exhausting, but so, so very worth it. 

Finally, your name. People will misspell it, be afraid of it, judge it and won’t know how to say it. Do not let it go, shorten your name or make it smaller for others to be less weary of. You are blessed with being the birth place of trust and integrity, and these things are too heavy to be made light of. Own your name, be proud of it babygirl and know that I named you because I could see you before you could. I love you, my Amanaat.