Sari Moon

So every time your boss is all, “I LOVE THIS GUY. ISN’T DAVID THE BEST?!” you’re like, “Yes, he’s the best! …at making me want to hole-punch my eyeballs out… hey, Dave! What are you up to after work? Let’s get drinks!”

The first time you notice him you won’t really notice him at all. He’s a little bit too short, a little bit too soft in the middle. You’ll feel him watching you when you’re dancing with your boyfriend at a party before you turn around and catch his eye…

“This is so embarrassing. Don’t make me do this. Are you really asking me this question? I’m not even close to qualified for this job and we both know it, so I’ll go ahead and make something up about how my previous experience has somehow prepared me for this position. This is embarrassing. There — you’ve humiliated me. Are you happy?”

Texting me after 10 on a weeknight is a lost cause dude. I’m watching episodes of Seinfeld on my couch, in my sweatpants, eating pizza. I turned off Social Me like an hour ago, and once I turn it off for the night, it doesn’t come back on until tomorrow, midday at the earliest.

You see, my bed is actually on the opposite side of the wall of the stairwell, and the only window in the bedroom nook opens directly adjacent to the railing you all lean against, blow smoke over, and tell ridiculously unfunny jokes that are laughable only when their stupidity is recognized (or if you’re a drunk person in your group).

Perception is temporary and strange. What did I even do for dinner before I was with her? With certain people, this weird sense of loss stretches to encompass not only how they behave but their entire identity.

This new candidate comes out strong in the race for Worst Mother Ever: forcing a vulnerable and helpless child to hold hot sauce in its mouth while she berates it, then stripping its clothes and yelling “YOU ARE IN THE SHOWER BECAUSE YOU MADE BAD CHOICES. DO YOU HEAR ME?” while the child wails in terror. Video I hope she’s ashamed of inside.

MAN: What are your influences?
MEGAN: “Your influences”? Mumblecore movies.
TAO: Mumblecore.
MEGAN: Shrimp.
TAO: I like the, uh. Uh. I don’t know.
MEGAN: Stuff we like. Mumblecore.

Around 3:20 it starts getting a bit awkward. Then he has the music turned down. I think I hear some “Oh my gods.” People begin laughing nervously. Then he talks blogs, his Pitchfork score, George Bush, Matt Lauer, and Taylor Swift in a defensive and uncomfortably long rant that’s mostly themed “Beleaguered Kanye West Against the World.” Video inside.

“To us it’s more about being first, and having the whole experience of what this brings to you. We never thought we need to be first for any sort of firstness, just for our own firstness, to make ourselves happy and that we accomplished something, it was a personal goal.” Video inside.

If I was this woman I might go to the hospital to sedate my fetus. Is this normal? Having second thoughts about pregnancy. Uncomfortable video of a fetus attempting escape the prison of its womb after the jump.

“My wife came downstairs and shook me awake. The entire room smelled of Four Loko – it was like the worst prom after-party ever. I opened all the windows and walked upstairs, where I passed out again in bed. I slept fitfully for another four hours. When I woke up, I stank of the stuff. My mouth was dry and there was a giant sweat stain on the bed.” Video inside.