What You Say In Job Interviews Vs. What You Think In Job Interviews
"This is so embarrassing. Don't make me do this. Are you really asking me this question? I'm not even close to qualified for this job and we both know it, so I'll go ahead and make something up about how my previous experience has somehow prepared me for this position. This is embarrassing. There --…
By Sari Moon
What you say: “I’m a good candidate for this position because I’m a hard worker, I’m persistent, and I’m a problem solver. While I don’t have direct experience doing this specific job, I feel my experience in [job completely unrelated to position for which you are applying] will be the perfect stepping stone into this position.”
What you think: “This is so embarrassing. Don’t make me do this. Are you really asking me this question? I’m not even close to qualified for this job and we both know it, so I’ll go ahead and make something up about how my previous experience has somehow prepared me for this position. This is embarrassing. There — you’ve humiliated me. Are you happy?”
What you say: “I’m an excellent team player.”
What you think: “Damn, I thought this position was fairly autonomous. I am completely lying to you right now. I can actually tell that within a few months I’ll be totally alienated from you and the rest of my coworkers. Truthfully, I don’t want to have anything to do with this company outside of my working hours. I freaking dread work, you think I’m going to be a good team player? I like my friends and Seinfeld. Stay away.”
What you say: “One professional experience in which I ‘overcame adversity’? Well…”
What you think: “Oh, god. This question? Is the purpose of this meeting to interview me for a job or to interview me for how good I am at storytelling? I thought these kinds of questions were killed by HR staff as early as the ’90s? Ok, well, I’ll make something up that makes me out to be the hero who solved an intense crises against all odds, I can do that. Thanks for the opportunity to talk about myself, I guess.”
What you say: “What’s the culture like in the office here?”
What you think: “Are you all total douchebags or douchebags trying to mask their douchebaggery with a Nintendo Wii and issues of Vice spread out in the coffee table in the lobby? Am I going to be inundated with complex/ embarrassing office jargon if I start working here? Is there a chance I will like some of my coworkers? I want to like my coworkers. Can I come to work hungover?
What you say: “Do you have many other job applicants? Do you know when I can expect a call back?”
What you think: “You didn’t hire me on the spot, so that means I’m screwed, right?” 
