A Series Of Confessions From Someone Who Admittedly Does Not Have Their Shit Together

Here is to all the girls who always have their nails painted perfectly and here is to all the people who never have garbage in their car. To the people whose phone is never dying and the people who always have gum in their bag. Here is to the people who make their beds every morning and here is to the girls whose legs are always shaved. To the people who pack a lunch every day and the people who only cry once every few months. Here is to all the girls who never have roots and here is to all the people who never have smudges on their glasses. To the people who show up on time and the people who actually use the reminders app on their phone.

Here is to you asshole, because I just super glued my fake nail back on… and I’m looking at myself like “what is this life?”

I sit here at my desk, staring at two mugs half filled with coffee (old coffee) and as I sit here, I ask you this question:

Do you ever just NOT have your shit together?

Do you ever just look at the massive pile of laundry in your room, or the crusty mascara your putting on your face. or your empty bottle of dry shampoo and say to yourself, how did I get here?

Today, I literally cut open a moisturizer bottle with SCISSORS and scraped off whatever moisturizer I could get and slapped it on my face.

This is my life, my shit is NOT together and I am a mess. My shit is so not together, that I no longer dream of a week off in the sun, or on a beach. Instead, I dream of being able to clean all my clothes, and do my hair, and put all my files into their proper folders.

Yesterday, I dreamed I actually put a full pack of gum in my purse for emergencies! Oh, what a life that would be. My shit is so not together that I dream about having a to-do list, but I never actually make one. I literally spend time wishing I had this beautiful long to-do list, and the funny thing is, I am perfectly capable of creating one…I just haven’t. My shit is so not together, that I wish there were more hours in the day just so I could sleep.

I don’t wish there were more hours in the day to get my shit together, I just want the extra hours to sleep.

Are you following me here, or have I lost you in my mess?

*looks under pile of socks with holes*

There you are.

The worst symptom of not having your shit together is your uncanny ability to cry at any given moment. I went to put conditioner in my hair while I was in the shower last night and I couldn’t get any out of the bottle. When this happened, I did one of those breathy “I’m going to cry” noises, you know when you feel like you’re choking on your throat? What makes this all even more devastating is that there are people who are going to read this and say, “I have no idea what she’s talking about…I cannot relate at all…this girl needs help.”

There are actually living people out there, who don’t deal with these problems. So you end up thinking to yourself, ”Well shit, there is definitely a way to not live like this and I will never find it.”

Like, there are people who have all their family members birthdays in their bullet journal, and I’m sitting here 2 gigs over my data limit and it’s only the beginning of the month. HOW DID I GET HERE?

The moral of the story is, I don’t even know who I am anymore because my identity at this point is about as easy to find as a pair of clean underwear. Today, I tried to make an oath to get my life back on track and now its 7 PM and I haven’t gotten anywhere. Well, I think I’ll start with these two old coffee mugs. I’ll bring them to the dishwasher and then I’ll check that off my non-existent to-do list.

If you need me I’ll be sleeping in my laundry pile because it prevents me from getting to my bed.