10 Things I Miss About Smoking

1. Always having a friend. 

Or at least the illusion of one. My ciggies were with me every single morning for that long and depressing walk to the G train. If I felt lonely, they kept me company. When I had a bad day, there they’d be, waiting outside with open arms. Through thick and thin, they never once let me down.

2.  Being skinny

Hungry? Just have a cigarette! After a while my taste buds become practically non-existent causing everything to taste like a mix of burnt coffee, bad scotch, and nausea. Add to that the fact that smoking had thrown my entire digestive system out of whack, and suddenly food didn’t seem so appealing. Sure my skin was gray, but my ass looked amazing!

3.  Losing my sense of smell.

Trust me, In New York this can be a blessing.

4. Being in the Secret Society of Smokers

If you’ve never had the chance to be a part of this coveted circle of trust, you’ll just never understand.  No matter our differences, when we were smoking together, we were confidantes, brothers and sisters, United for LIFE!!  (Or at least for the next five minutes.) Whatever was said in the smokers circle stayed in the smokers circle.

5. That sexy voice

I mean besides completely derailing years of professional voice training, smoking gave me that raspy phone sex voice that kept all the guys swooning. Saying anything in a gravely whisper sounds doubly as hot. Hacking coughs are also super trendy right now.

6. Having something to do with your hands

You never realize how awkward those dumb things are until they’re no longer clutching a little  cancer stick at every moment. What the hell am I supposed to do with them?!! Cross my arms? Twirl my hair? Engage in competitive thumb wars?

7. No awkward pauses.

If you listen to a conversation between two people smoking, it‘s long and drawn out with gaping holes. But those aren’t awkward pauses, my friend. No, no…Those are puff pauses, which are totally different and socially acceptable. Puff pauses gave me time to think about what was just said and to think of something brilliant to say next. It slowed down everything, and conversation seemed to just, like… flooowwwww mannnn.

8. Always having an excuse not to work out.

I never felt obligated to join my friends in those annoying and asinine activities like marathon running or hiking. I mean, I had enough trouble with my third floor walkup!

9. Getting to go outside Yayyyy!!!

There is nothing more cool on a balmy summer evening at the bar than getting to leave your drink for a few and go out to enjoy some fresh carbon monoxide-filled air. Now that I’ve quit, I can’t just go outside with my smoker friends and then not smoke. Well, I mean, I can- but it feels sort of like being at a playground when you have no kids.

10. Being a social goddess ( or so it seemed )

Something amazing would happen to me when I smoked; As soon as I took that first delicious drag, I was instantly transformed. Suddenly sophisticated, and self-assured, I became 6 inches taller and 20 lbs thinner. People listened when I spoke. Guys wanted to sleep with me and girls wanted to be my friend. For those precious five minutes, my social anxiety seemed to dissolve completely, and I felt like I could do no wrong.

Of course as with all drugs, my sense of reality may have been just slightly distorted.