Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, I was leading a sad life with very few orgasms. I was so young and naïve. One day I finally mustered up the courage to go into the then very intimidating sex store, and buy my first dildo. Being the awkward person I am, it went down something like this:

I Pretended I was “Running Errands”

I told my friend I was going to “run errands” before we went out for dinner. But I had to go alone. No, she could not come with me. I would just meet her 10 minutes later at the restaurant.

Like, what? Why did I think she would believe this?

I Bought the Worst Dildo Ever

I walked into the Stag Shop and was legitimately the only person in the store. I beelined to the back of the store in a pathetic attempt to hide. I was far too embarrassed to ask for help and picked the most boring, small, beige and poor quality dildo in the whole store (and possibly the entire world).

I later learned that there is this cool thing called Google and it will tell you which sex toys to buy and which ones to avoid.

I claimed My “Friend” was Horny…

I slinked up to pay for my boring, cheap dildo and told the girl at the counter that I was looking for a gift “for a prude friend’s bachelorette party”. She definitely did not believe me, but gently reassured me that it was a safe buy for my “friend” UGH

Again, why did I think anyone would believe this?

I Paid in Cold Hard Cash

I legitimately paid in cash because I was paranoid about the Stag Shop showing up on my credit card statement. No one reads my credit card statement but me.

I just…I don’t even know.

The Great Escape

I tried to smoothly stash the dildo in my purse…but it didn’t quite fit. So with my purse half open I ran out of the store, and went directly to a nice restaurant with a fake plastic penis in my bag.

I thought I was a bad ass. True story.

As mortifying as the experience was, as soon as I took that baby for a test run I was hooked. Even though it was awful quality, learning to use a vibrating dildo is probably the best thing I’ve ever done for my sex life. Since then I’ve bought and tested many more toys and can walk into the Stag Shop without turning beet red. So if you’ve been thinking about buying a toy, but are feeling shy don’t worry – just get in there, make up a fake story and buy something.