ARIES

Beth

Like your father Rick, you’ve got a superiority complex the size of Jupiter.

You feel as though you’re too good for your husband, and that he’s holding you back from your full potential. I mean, you’re only with him in the first place because you were reckless enough to have unprotected sex and wound up pregnant. Which is why you’re often tempted to cheat on him or leave him, but for some reason you put up with his whining.

Strangely enough, despite this, you also have abandonment issues. You blame yourself for your parents’ divorce, and are very afraid of losing your dad.

You solve your problems by drowning yourself in bottles of wine.

TAURUS

Morty

Anyone who has you in their life hopefully knows how lucky they are to have you. You’re reliable and kind, which makes you the perfect partner, friend, and colleague.

On the down side, you’re really impressionable. People then mistake you for being a doofus, and you care enough about your reputation to stress out about it. You need to believe in yourself and your own brand of know-how.

GEMINI

Mr. Goldenfold

When you set your sights on something, you can be pretty overzealous about it. Such as trying to get dumb teenagers to pay attention in Math class.

You’re more brainy than most people, and you’ll gladly rub that fact in their faces. People need to be careful not to provoke you. Otherwise, they’ll regret getting burned by you and your fierce tongue.

Your hobbies include binge watching TV shows and day-dreaming that you’re the lead character.

CANCER

Jerry

You love your family and try your best to provide for them. Sadly, sometimes your abundance of self-centeredness and lack of self-awareness screws up your best intentions.

Self-doubts provoke you to resent people who you feel are more accomplished than you. Nonetheless, you have a resiliency and a perseverance light years more evolved than that of an average individual.

You’re also able to face your fears, and you have shown you have the capacity to grow into a better person.

LEO

Brad

Everyone loves you and you love yourself.

Your prowess and gallantry is well-known to all creatures. You are fearless, but have an ego that is easily offended. You’re willing to take on anyone and anything you perceive to be threatening your manhood. Even Abradolf Lincler is smart enough to know not to vex you.

VIRGO

Mr. Meseeks

A motivation to assist others defines your very existence.

You’re a hard worker who will go through great lengths to perfectly complete an assignment. People who seek your aid with a task should be aware of your deep-seated anxieties and temper, which are set off if you’re unable to do a good job.

When you’re calm though, you’re normally a friendly and perky helper.

SCORPIO

Scary Terry

Everyone assumes you’re just another blood-thirsty, psychotic jackass, but you’re more than that! Beneath that ugly sweater is a self-conscious child.

Due to your own insecurities and fear of failure, you pressure yourself to appear strong and frightening. Once people manage to get to know you, you’re actually a gentle beast just doing his best to succeed in life.

LIBRA

Summer

Despite the world almost always going to shit, you still remain impressively optimistic. Your carefree attitude causes people to underestimate you and prejudge you for the worse, but you’re actually a very capable, tough, and clever kid.

You know how to get yourself and your loved ones out of a bad situation, and you won’t take crap from anyone who tries to take advantage of your sweetness.

SAGITTARIUS

Birdperson

You’re an open-minded extrovert who is attracted to feisty partners and who enjoys to travel. You’re very wise, experienced, and knowledgeable thanks to your countless voyages across the multiverse. You are remarkably well-mannered and are always a source of sound advice.

Some people may think you’re boring and uninteresting. If only they gave you the time of day, they’d realize you’re anything but.

CAPRICORN

Tammy

You’re the super-spy who knows how to party.

Your cute-as-a-button face and bubbly personality masks the fact you’re a lethal, devious, and proficient secret agent. Although you’re always up for a good time, you won’t hesitate to kill innocent strangers, friends, or even your bird-husband to accomplish a mission.

AQUARIUS

Rick Sanchez

Your achilles heel is that you refuse to believe that you’d be capable of making a mistake. One could even say you’ve got a god complex. This comes to no surprise as you’re literally the smartest and most perceptive person in the room.

While our lizard brains are still trying—and failing—to grasp the concept of parallel dimensions, you’re already out there thinking about which adventure to have next. You’re easily bored and become cranky when surrounded by “normal” people, and you are brutally honest about it.

Your sharp wit and tongue might cut a lot of people’s hearts. And while you may not always reveal your affection and loyalty towards your loved ones, it’s there. Somewhere. Deep inside. Hopefully. Probably. Maybe.

PISCES

Mr. Poopy Butthole

OOOOOOO-WEEEE LOVE YOU!

You’re the most popular, adored, and treasured creature in the whole multiverse. Your pure heart and endearing charm makes it easy for you to assimilate into any social group.

People are naturally drawn to your happy-go-lucky energy, therefore you have various friends from different planets and dimensions. Your aura is so potent, that even natural born assholes suddenly become nice guys when they’re around you.