It Is Beautiful Being Completely Over You

I never thought I’d see the day I could say with 100% certainty that I am over you. I honestly thought I’d love you forever, even though you stopped loving me long ago.

It wasn’t an easy process. Sure, in the beginning I spent most nights crying alone, and maybe I spent a few months suffering from insomnia, unable to sleep until I put on your shirt. Healing doesn’t happen overnight.

There were days I couldn’t eat a thing. Little did I know, better days were just around the corner. One day I went to bed and realized I didn’t look at your picture. One day I woke up and realized you weren’t in my dream. One day someone brought you up and it didn’t feel like they ripped my heart out of my chest. It wasn’t every day, but I held onto the good days when they were all I had.

I’ll admit, I went off the deep end for a while. I started drinking a lot. I used the drugs I hated you for using. I was reckless, I was a tornado, blowing down everything good in my life. I didn’t care who I hurt. Anything to numb the pain, but you know that, right?

I know you know that, because one day a friend asked if I realized I was acting just like you. It never hit me until then. That was my wake up call. In my pursuit to rid you from my brain, I’d become the one thing I feared most—I became you.

I found other ways to cope. I stopped drinking, sat on the couch, and cried. I allowed myself to feel all the pain I’ve been holding back. I grieved. I mourned the death of our relationship, our future, of the girl I used to be. That girl is dead and gone. I can’t go back to her; I had to reinvent myself. And to be honest, I kind of like this new girl.

Sure, she’s not as innocent, never as pure as I was when I fell in love with you, but there’s a certain beauty to her damaged parts. I’m not sad all the time now, like I was for so long with you. I wake up and don’t dread getting out of bed. I sleep so much better; I enjoy eating again.

For so long, I thought my happy ending was riding off into the sunset, your hand in mine. Turns out the real happy ending is in finding my peace without you, in learning to be whole despite my missing pieces. I’m singing in the car again. I dance as I clean the living room. You taught me so many lessons. Who would’ve known one of them would be being happy alone? Who would’ve thought my prince charming would be myself?

Now, I’m living my real life fairytale. Birds are chirping, and the sun rises on a new day. I’m thankful for the lessons you taught me, and I’m thankful you’re out of my life. It is truly beautiful being completely over you.