Ryan O'Connell

Will you still love me if I gain twenty pounds and start dressing like a garbage can? Oops, too late. I already did!

Printing something out. Printers are the number one foe for Millennials. We would like to own one someday but maybe after we get married and have children. I don’t know. Owning a printer means your youth is officially over, right?

Your mother is starting to take an active interest in the state of your love life. The second your mom cares about whether or not you’re getting laid, you know things are bad.

Love someone when they’re drunk and it looks like their face is melting and they’re stuffing food in their mouth, sauce dripping down the sides. Your body will recoil because you’ll think for a split second that you fell in love with an animal instead of an actual human being.

Drinking is best done slowlllllyyyyyyy. Think of it as like a car and you’re the one behind the steering wheel. Now you have two choices: you can either drive yourself to victory in a puttering Pinto or break the speed limit in a Jaguar and reach a James Dean-style fate.

I don’t know if you ever get better. I don’t know if a person can just wake up one day and decide to be an active participant in their life. I’d like to think so.

You are closed off. So closed off and sometimes it feels good to be the only one who can disappoint you, doesn’t it? By never relinquishing your power, you are never at the mercy of other people. Perfect, right?

It’s important that I never forget you, although I have a feeling that it’s not entirely up to me. Time dictates what gets remembered and what gets left behind. I’m at the mercy of the clocks. Sure, I can make suggestions and forceful nudges but at the end of the day, I’m powerless.

You constantly feel pangs of envy when looking at people’s Instagrams and Twitter feeds. Is everyone in the world having more fun than you are? Answer: No, they’re just better at faking it.

We’re masochists. We doll ourselves up every night for a city that’s just going to end up giving us a black eye anyway. It’s our glamorous version of a bad boyfriend.

She may’ve first became relevant through sex but as soon as Kim Kardashian got her foot in the door, she switched the narrative on us. All of a sudden, we weren’t dealing with just another one of Paris Hilton’s promiscuous party girl friends. We were being introduced to the Princess Di of the new Millennium.

Being on a first date is like holding in a giant fart for four hours, the fart being your REA L personality, your REAL desires, your vices, your flaws. The second it’s over, I feel like I can finally breathe again. My metaphorical stomach practically hits the floor in relief.

Besides, the only way you can ensure having a good future is by living a good present. That’s it. That’s the secret. So start paying attention to what’s going on around you. Otherwise, you might miss everything.

In New York, you’re considered wealthy if you have a dishwasher in your apartment. In L.A., you’re rich if you live in a mansion.

You start to forget things about the relationship, things you thought were important and would always hold dear. Nope. Time kills everything. Thankfully, it also heals it.

Everyone is an idiot when it comes to matters of the heart. Love is the great equalizer. Whenever you feel intimidated by someone’s coolness, just imagine them sobbing in their bedroom after someone broke their heart. I guarantee it’s happened.

A gift certificate to their local neighborhood drug dealer, condoms, a body pillow to replace the boyfriend they don’t have, worldwide acceptance of homosexuality, and, of course, a blowjob.

When a friend asks you why you can’t come to an all-night rager, you simply send them a picture of Lindsay Lohan circa today and write, “Because I don’t want this to happen to me.”