How To Drink Like An Adult

Hey you! Yes, the person holding the happy hour special and singing along to “Don’t Stop Believin'” at a deafening volume. Do you want to know how to drink like a damn adult? Of course you do! Behaving like a hot mess is only socially acceptable for so long. If you’re still finding yourself screaming “SPRING BREAK FOREVER!” drunk in a room full of sober people who are giving you “ew” eyes, you should probably read these tips on how to drink properly.

1. Have a go-to drink. Nothing says, “I know what I’m doing, okay?!” than someone who knows what to order at the bar. When you first start dabbling in the alcohol arts, your body is basically a garbage can for every foul liquor imaginable. Then, through trial and error, you slowly begin to realize what works and what doesn’t. Whiskey, for example, may make you angry and paranoid that everyone is talking crap about you. Wine may just make you sleepy. Gin, however? Ah, just right! Everybody is like Goldilocks in search of the perfect alcoholic drink and the second you find it, your adult drinking points go up 10,000%.

2. Pace yourself. When it comes to drinking, slow and steady really does win the race (or, at the very least, it ensures that you won’t be vomiting at the finish line). Gulping down drink after drink is amateurish and not attractive. I know we all have PTSD from that twenty-first birthday. But, hello, we’re grown ups now and can drink whenever we want, so where’s the fire at? Just chill. No one’s going to take it away from you! Drinking slowly is chic and reduces your chances of having a gnarly hangover the next day. Everybody wins!

3. Eat something. Eat lots of somethings! This isn’t a hospital or first post-college summer; drinking your calories is not chic. Here’s a drinking game adults like to play: eat a light meal before you start your night. Nibble on some cheese in between sips. Drink a glass of water every now and then. I know, I know; it sounds insane but adults practice really exotic rituals like paying bills on time and not drinking until 3 a.m. on a Wednesday morning because someone didn’t text them back in a reasonable amount of time.

4. Stock up on reserves so you can entertain your friends without texting them, “is there a liquor store on ur way??” Adults are always on that host-tip. They will not be caught out with a non-existent liquor cabinet and a beer-less fridge when a surprise guest drops in. They take preventative measures; they plan ahead. Prepare like an adult and you’ll be drinking on your own terms in no time — not at the whim of some indifferent and underpaid bartender who’d rather watch a 14th episode of House Wars than serve you. Adults don’t got time for that. When they have a stressful day, they go home, take their shoes off, and pour themselves a cocktail or three. They don’t make a run for happy hour like they’re a video game character that’s going to die if it doesn’t find a cheap beer to mainline in the next 30 seconds. Sound familiar?

Ready to drink like an adult? Thought Catalog readers are invited to join the Patron Social Club as part of their Art of Patron campaign. You’ll get access to cool private events all across the U.S. that revolve around drinking and having fun — responsibly.

You’ll also have the opportunity to make bottle art and enter it in the Art of Patron contest, for your chance to win $10,000.

Join the Patron Social Club for free here.

*This content is sponsored by Patron. All Patron Social Club, contest, and other rules, regulations and responsibilities lie solely with Patron and their agents.