A Recap Of The Grammys From Someone Who Didn’t Even Watch It

7PM: Taylor Swift descends from the cold dark sky wearing a t-shirt with glitter and horses on it and nothing else. She starts playing the bagpipes, which somehow emit a poisonous gas, and all of a sudden the entire room is unconscious. She slithers on over to all of the passed out members of One Direction and drinks their blood. Taylor then lets out a quiet smile and mouths “I’m sorry it had to be this way…” to Harry Styles.

7:15PM: Everyone wakes up from their coma. Taylor Swift’s bodyguards strap the dead members of One Direction to a Hannibal Lecter gurney and put them in the front row. People look confused as to why there are five dead famous superstars sitting next to them but they overlook it and drink more champagne.

7:30PM: Lana Del Rey makes her way to her seat while riding/straddling an alligator.

7:40PM: Katy Perry’s tits malfunction and accidentally shoot out acid instead of whipped cream. Chris Brown’s face burns off and everyone claps.

7:41PM: Adele wins an award, despite not even being nominated for one. “What an unexpected honor,” she says with zero enthusiasm. “Make it stop. Please make the awards stop…” she thinks to herself.

7:43PM: Mourning the loss of Chris Brown’s face, Rihanna rebounds with Charlie Sheen. “You shot Kelly Preston in the arm once, right? And strangled your ex-wife, Brooke Mueller?” Rihanna asks. “You bet I did, babe,” Sheen replies. “God, that is so fucking sexy,” she screams.

8:00PM: It’s an hour into the ceremony and Lana Del Rey has already broken up three marriages and tried to make out with her pet alligator.

8:30PM: A band named Samba! Samba!, who no one under the age of 45 has heard of, wins four awards. They perform their hit song, “EVERYBODY GET UP/PAQUITO MAS!” and everyone in the audience is like, “Seriously, who are these people?”

8:45PM: Norah Jones’ ghost takes the stage and starts playing the ukelele. Everybody screams.

8:50PM: Taylor Swift continues to drink the blood of various male celebrities backstage. “It’s what keeps me strong,” Taylor whispers to a frightened usher who has caught her sucking John Mayer’s neck. “I can’t stop. I want to but I can’t.”

9:00PM: Ke$ha performs her new hit song, “RSVP to my STD” and people begin to dry heave/become infected with herpes.

9:15PM: Jennifer Love Hewitt is wasted and whispers to no one in particular, “That used to be me up there on stage. That used to be me.”

9:30PM: Nelly Furtado tries to break into the ceremony but security is like, “No.”

9:45PM: Lady Gaga emerges in a spaceship and provides proof to the world that aliens exist but nobody cares. “So predictable,” a guest hisses. “She would bring a fucking alien as her plus one.”

9:55PM:  A new band called Hilarious Suicide performs their popular song, “Electric Adidas.”

10:01PM: Adele wins album of the year again, even though she hasn’t made any new music. “Fuck it,” she says as she takes a drag from her cigarette. “I’m out.”

10:20PM: Taylor Swift has managed to write and record a new single while at the Grammys. It’s about the usher she met earlier and it’s called, “Hush My Ush.”

10:30PM: Lana Del Rey slinks to the bar and orders a drink called My Pussy. “Excuse me?” the bartender asks. Lana rolls her eyes and says, “A Pepsi cola please!”

10:45PM: Justin Timberlake takes the stage and all of the women (plus one gay guy) in the front row become pregnant.

11:00PM: Samba! Samba! wins almost every award. Soccer moms everywhere rejoice.  People realize that the Grammy’s are awful but can’t wait to return next year. By the end of the night it is reported that Taylor Swift has murdered over fifty men.