5 Things I Would Like To See Happen On True Blood

1. Eric and Bill finally have sex.

How gay can two characters be without actually sucking each other’s dick? In the case of Bill and Eric, the answer would be “pretty damn gay.” To be fair, Eric did take a stab at homosexuality once but it was only so he could kill that one big, bad vamp so it doesn’t really count. Alan Ball, the very gay creator of True Blood, seems to get much pleasure from putting Bill and Eric in the gayest situations without ever actually having them hook up. “Hey, let’s put Bill and Eric in matching bathrobes!” Or “Let’s have them stare at each other very intensely with their mouths almost touching!” I feel like I’m getting blue balls each week. Just have them do it already! Preferably with Lafayette in some V-induced psychosis.

2. Tara gets prescribed Lithium and lands a boyfriend/girlfriend/SOMETHING that will give her unlimited love.

Tara is one of the most insufferable characters on television. Like, do the writers just sit around each week and think, “Hmm, which ways can the universe take a dump on her face?” She can’t seem to catch a break and I’m sick of her angry, sulking routine. I didn’t watch the most recent episode but apparently she’s a brooding, angry vampire now? Great! Just what Tara needs! More tragedy! When they were asking Pam to let her feed on her blood, I was like, “No, please don’t. Tara’s had a horrible life and she’s probably stoked that she’s dying. DO NOT RESUSCITATE.”

3. Jason Stackhouse becomes legitimately allergic to clothing and is forced to walk around naked 24/7.

As the resident manwhore, Sookie’s brother, Jason, doesn’t spend much time in clothes to begin with, so why don’t we just go all the way and write a storyline in which he actually becomes allergic to clothing? Oh, the news will be terrible — a real shockwave is sent throughout Louisiana! Everyone is crying when they hear about Jason’s terrible unseen allergy! But then, slowly, everyone comes to terms with his perpetual nudity. In one particular episode, Jason becomes frustrated with being naked and starts to put on a pair of pants, which puts the town in an uproar. “You shan’t,” the townspeople will scream. “Jason, you can’t wear clothes! Think of your health! The town of Bon Temps just wants you to be healthy, dammit!” And then he’ll just be like, “Okay” and take them off immediately. *CUE GIANT SIGH OF RELIEF*

4. Sookie becomes useful and less annoying.

Look, I know Sookie is supposed to have all these magical fairy powers and all but so far, the only magic she seems to be using is the kind that comes from her vagina. (Did Pam already make a fairy pussy joke? I think she did.) I just would love to see Sookie, the supposed heroine, actually stand up for herself and fight. As of right now, all she really does is create drama. And when the going gets tough, she just waits for one of her many paramours to come rescue her. THAT IS NOT FEMINISM, OKAY? Ditch the fairy dust and go work out with a personal trainer so you can actually learn how to fend for yourself.

5. Jessica gets crowned in the #1 Teenage Brat competition.

I love that little teen dream, Jessica. She’s flawless. Personally, I would be Les Miserables if I had to be 17 for the rest of my life but Jessica wears teen angst so well. There needs to be an upcoming story arc where she competes in a teen vampire beauty contest and wins the title of “#1 Teenage Brat.” The talent competition would include her pestering Bill with her antics and having sex with anything that walks. Her acceptance speech would go something like, “My brattiness would not be possible without the person who killed me, ripping me away from my family and happy life. I’m forever indebted to you for ruining my life forever. If it weren’t for you, I’d already be 20 and growing out of my brattiness, so thank you for allowing me to remain petulant and win this crown.”