How To Trick People Into Thinking You're Not A Mess

Make your tagged photos invisible on Facebook, leaving only a carefully selected collection of profile pictures. Take control of your Internet identity, dammit! Be the curator of your own life! By doing this, the general public can’t see that photo of you wasted and deep throating a hot dog. Or the photo of you channeling Jay Leno’s chin at a haus (house) party. No sir! There’s no mess to be seen here! Your profile pictures are a snooze for a lurker but they show you in the most flattering light. “Oh look, here I am eating an orange in a tank top looking really tan, healthy, and summery! And here I am posing in nature with my arms behind me so I look super thin. It’s very Cat Power You Are Free.” Look at these photos and you will see someone who has their life figured out. The person eating the orange in a tank top could NEVER deep throat a hot dog after ingesting too many whiskey shots. Not possible. Sorry guys! Go lurk elsewhere.

Be active on Twitter. Let people know that you’re a person who does things. Cool things! Make sure to tweet about the amazing dinner you had with your best friends. It was a potluck in Brooklyn and you brought the kale! Neglect to mention/ tweet what you did afterwards, which was cry three solitary tears while watching Felicity on Netflix and eating an entire sleeve of Joe-O’s. That little breakdown will NOT be a part of your narrative. It won’t even make the deleted scenes.

When tricking people into thinking that you live a happy and healthy life with no downfalls, it’s important to ALWAYS maintain your internet presence. Because when people go off the internet it can only mean two things: 1) Rehab. 2) Their life has become so cool that it transcends the web. (This does not exist.) So tweet and status update away! Scream “I’M STILL HERE JUST LIVING MY WONDERFUL LIFE. LA DOLCE VITA!”

Get obsessed with your appearance. When your insides are a mess, the least you can do is step up your face game. Invite your friends over and offer them your expensive moisturizer. “Does anyone need to moisturize? What about exfoliate? No? Maybe later? OK.” Light some candles and play some Miles Davis. Pretend you’re 80 years old and when your friends are like “Um, can we go out?”, yawn dramatically and say something about having an early morning meeting. In reality, your early morning meeting is actually just smoking weed in bed with the blinds closed but shhh!!!

Go on runs. Pay your bills on time. Never miss a haircut. Shave. Write a thank you note or two. Return phone calls. Go home for Christmas and ask for more mashed potatoes at dinner while wearing a chic holiday sweater. Do a fine job at work. Get a promotion. Meet people in bars and occasionally sleep with them. Show up to a few openings so people know you’re alive and a functioning member of society. Marvel at your own ability to appear normal. Feel like a jester or a magician. “WANNA SEE A TRICK? POW. NORMALCY.”

When people go through true #dark periods, it’s usually kept a secret. People who complain about being sad all the time might very well be telling the truth but it’s the ones who keep things under wraps that you really have to watch out for. If people aren’t being open about their feelings, it usually means that it extends beyond the circumstantial and goes much deeper. They feel powerless and aren’t sure even why they’re feeling down, so they keep it to themselves. Suffering in quiet takes its toll on you. If you stop offering the stupid moisturizer to your friends and get honest about things, you’ll be making your first step towards being someone who doesn’t have to pretend about being happy. They can just be… happy!