A Chat With Babe Walker Of White Girl Problems

Thought Catalog: Babe, it’s been forever since we last spoke. Did you change your number? Every time I call you, your mailbox is full.

Babe Walker: I’ve never checked a voicemail in my entire life. As far as I’m concerned, it’s a dead art.

TC: Duly noted.  So you wrote a book! Did you always want to be an author?

BW: You know, I really didn’t know what I wanted to *be*. I tried fashion design and was amazing at it, but it got boring. I tried my hand at philanthropy, which was cute but also boring. And it turns out I’m, like, really good at talking about my life. I guess I didn’t want to write my book, per se–it’s more that my book wanted to be written by me.

This is a drawing of a look I wore while in art school. I was a glass blowing major. It was a dark period in my life, obviously.

TC:  Can you give me a blurry watercolor of some of the things you talk about?

BW: I talk about a lot of stuff. Boys, college (I went to five universities in 3 years. It’s hard to find the right fit! In the end, they were all wrong), drugs, fashion, my family…there’s something for every kind of reader.

TC: Chic. Speaking of boys, are you dating anyone right now? Has your idea of the ideal man changed since we last spoke?

BW: I’m not dating anyone–my book is my boyfriend right now. But I will say, if James Franco and his brother, Dave Franco, had a baby boy, and Ryan Gosling raised him on a farm, that would be my ideal man.

TC:  Would you ever explore lesbianism? I noticed in your video for fashion week that you used to hook up with Eva Amurri. On a scale of 1 to 10 (one being KD Lang and ten being Gwyneth), how into girls are you?

BW: Eva is a babe–even you would hook up with her! Let’s just say I have my girl on girl moments, but I don’t speak fluent labianese. Capiche?

TC: You talk about sex in your book, including the time you lost your virginity. Do you consider yourself a super sexual person? What does someone have to do in order to sleep with you?!

BW: My psychic tells me I’m very sexual, and 70% of the time, she’s usually right about these kinds of things. When someone wants to sleep with me, they need to put in a little effort. I’m not high maintenance by any means, but I will say that a candlelit dinner of organic sashimi, or a Celine handbag, can go a long way.

TC: Sleeping with gay guys: Chic or not chic?

BW: Not chic.

TC:  Sleeping with someone who’s twice your age, borderline creepy, but has a gigantic penis:  Chic or not chic?

BW: Age means nothing to me, but I don’t do monster dicks. So, not chic. Wait though, how big are we talking?

TC:  Getting drunk and waking up to you spooning your Jamaican maid: Chic or not chic?

BW: My maid, Mabinty, who you’ll meet in the book, is one of my best friends in the world. Chic.

TC:  Vaginal rejuvenation: Chic or not chic? Have you done it?

BW: I got a labiaplasty for my high-school graduation present. Chic.

TC: Dating one of your Twitter followers: Chic or not chic?

BW: I mean, I could never! But I’m not against it for other creepy, internet psychos.

TC: Was there anything that was off limits in the writing of your memoir? Something that was just TOO personal to share?

BW: My editors didn’t want me to talk about my vagina so explicitly (I get into detail about it’s shape, structure, spirit animal, etc…), but I told them that it was a part of my body and my body is a part of my story. They had to deal.

TC:  What’s after the book? A Bravo TV show? Becoming BFF’s with Brooke Mueller and going to a lot of meditation spas? Calling me back?

BW: I would totally do a TV show–and I’ve been approached–but it would have to be on my terms. I’m not letting my life turn into an E! True Hollywood Story. I’d want it to be more like the first season of The Simple Life meets The Hours. And do I really need to call you back after this? We’ve been talking for the past like, fourteen minutes.