The Golden Globes Recapped By Someone Who Didn't Watch It

All award shows are the same. They’re basically four hours of beautiful/ugly couture gowns, inane red carpet commentary, indulgent acceptance speeches, one “shocking” moment that will fuel the blogs for an entire week and the occasional off-color joke. The Golden Globes are no exception. In fact, to illustrate their predictability, I’m going to recap the night with shocking accuracy without having watched a single minute of it. This will be more fun than watching the show. Trust.

E! Golden Globes Red Carpet {6:00 p.m.-8:00 p.m.}

Diet-obsessed Guiliana Ranic—who famously suffered a miscarriage after refusing to gain weight—grills celebrities about their exercise regimens. Shaking and starving, she has the following conversation with Angelina Jolie:

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Guiliana Rancic: Angelina, you look so thin, so healthy.

Angelina Jolie: Uh, thanks.

Guiliana Rancic: You have a lot of children and some of them are even biological, right? Like they’re not all from the rainforest, or whatever?

Angelina Jolie: None of them are from the rainforest and, yes. I’ve been pregnant before.

Guiliana Rancic: (twitching) So how’d you stay so thin? I don’t get it. You’re just so….thin. Usually when you’re pregnant, it makes you fat forever. It ruins your once-skeletal frame. HOW DID YOU DO IT?

Angelina Jolie: Why are you twitching? Do you need some water?

{Camera cuts away to a very embarrassed and frightened Ryan Seacrest)

So, yeah. That’s what happened there. Other celebrities seem drunk during interviews. Helena Bonham Carter walks down the red carpet looking like a gothic edgy nightmare. Jake Gyllenhaal looks gorgeous. Tom Hanks shows up and tells reporters, “It costs $100,000 to get me out of bed.”

The Golden Globes Award Show (8:00 p.m.-11:00 p.m.)

6:05-Ricky Gervais is hired as the host because he’s foreign and will probably make some jokes that will make people feel uncomfortable. His monologue is hit-and-miss. Eminem is in the audience and gets upset for some vague reason. A feud is declared. The first drama of the night!

6:30- Goldie Hawn appears in a trance to give an award to someone very old. She tells the audience that she just got off the plane from Aspen and is wearing ski muffs and a Michael Kors ensemble. People are confused, but not as confused as Goldie Hawn is.

6:50- An important message scrolls across the screen. Guiliana Rancic has been taken to the hospital after taking too many industrial-strength laxatives.

7:15- Natalie Portman—an actress who made the quiet indie film Black Swan this year— appears pregnant holding her ballet beau up in the air by her fingertips. Everyone worships her and the little white swan that lies inside of her belly. For a second, everything is happy NATALIE PORTMAN happy NATALIE FUCKING PORTMAN.

7:45- Mark Zuckerberg comes on stage via a gold-plated spaceship and everyone is like, “huh?” He rants about The Social Network and suddenly everyone in the audience is handed a remote control and puts him on mute. It’s very strange.

8:00- Winona Ryder presents an award to herself for being Winona Ryder. This is the most emotional moment of the night.

8:30- Oh no! Charlie Sheen has white powder all over his mouth. A smattering of hookers run for the exit, leaving their movie star dates mortified and pissed.

9:00- Natalie Portman wins an award that she wasn’t even nominated for: Best Supporting Actor.

9:30- The Golden Globes just apologized for being The Golden Globes. Obsessed!

9:45- Nicole Kidman wins Best Actress for Rabbit Hole and gives an acceptance speech by speaking entirely with her forehead. Understandably she doesn’t end up saying much.

10:00- A special performance artist is announced and it’s Miley Cyrus????? Recreating the famous video of her doing salvia, Miley lights up a bong onstage and gets real weird for about fifteen seconds. People don’t really know how to act after this.

10:15- Everyone is so wasted. Justin Timberlake is stroking his own hair. Goldie Hawn is clapping her hands to the invisible sound of music. Her ear muffs are now covering her eyes.

10:30- Goldie Hawn is now licking her own earlobe.

10:45- Time for Best Picture! The award goes to…Natalie Portman? But she’s an actress, not a movie. No one is addressing how bizarre this is. The camera cuts to Mila Kunis who’s sharpening some knives underneath her table. Life imitating art at The Golden Globes.

11:00- The stars start to go home. There’s a long train of puffy dresses and fucked up hair leaving the red carpet. Kirstie Alley has birthday cake all over face even though birthday cake wasn’t served at The Globes.  Everyone is happy and sad and happy and sad. Someone remarks, “How could something so beautiful look so ugly?” and we think he’s referring to the state of all the celebrities, but we can’t be sure. We can never be sure.