Rob Gunther

Businesses occupy a unique place in contemporary America. “Corporations are people!” Mitt Romney famously cried out during the 2012 Presidential campaign, illustrating a continued history of the US government’s protection of corporate personhood. What does that even mean?

I always forget about Free Slurpee Day. Every year, July 11th rolls around, 7/11, and by the time I realize that everyone’s drinking a free Slurpee, by the time I actually make the conscious connection between the proliferation of small Slurpee cups and the calendar date, it’s usually too late.

At one point when I was a little kid, we had this pet owl. I’m pretty sure it’s super illegal to keep owls as pets, but that never crossed my mind when I was younger, he was just kind of there in the background of my childhood for a little while, Oggie the owl.

Yesterday the nearly month-long manhunt for two escaped prisoners in upstate New York came to an end. The story had everything: an improbable escape, a forbidden romance, an inmate’s hidden artistic talents, a botched getaway car.

Look, it’s still really early. And as I’m writing this, there are already something like two dozen Republican candidates all vying for their party’s nomination. Nobody’s expecting you to be familiar with everyone in the field.

I’d been waiting on line at the souvlaki cart on 31st Ave in Astoria, Queens for something like fifteen minutes. It was over ninety degrees out. Everyone was sweating: the three guys inside the food truck had wet rags draped over the back of their necks.

1. Plan a beach day with all of your friends. 2. Ask your mom if you can borrow her SUV.

Excuse me, sir? Yes, you. I’m sorry to bother you but, can you please help me up? Yeah, I don’t know, I just … it’s like my legs just started to fold and so I sat down and now I can’t get back up again.

Use fresh milk for your second bowl of cereal. When I eat cereal for breakfast, after I’m done eating, I invariably wind up with almost half a bowl of leftover milk.

23. You like Phish? No? OK, well, listen to this song, I promise you’re going to love Phish after this song.

Reddit admins made the long-overdue decision to ban several of its more toxic subreddits, most prominently, a group called /r/fatpeoplehate.

2016 is reportedly still wide open for the GOP. Here’s how to find out if you’re in the running for the Republican bid.

Long Islanders root for the New York Islanders. New Yorkers wait until playoffs, and if the Rangers make the playoffs, then they root for the New York Rangers.

Finally it was our turn to play. The guy who drove the pickup truck walked over to the ref and counted out something like five hundred bucks. “What the hell?” I asked one of my teammates.

Everyone you know is dead. All of your friends are dead. Both of your parents are dead. Your brothers, your sisters, basically anybody that you ever held dear is long gone.

As I hopped up the stairs, the sound got louder, and when I made it up, there was a puddle of water growing outward from the bathroom door. I opened the door and the toilet was overflowing.

You know what the stupidest word in the English language is? Plethora. You know what the second stupidest word is? Millennial.

I hadn’t been on the job for very long, a month maybe, and yet it was all I could think about, operating the big crane.