Rob Gunther

So if I were you, I’d make absolutely sure that you understand the consequences of making such an unwarranted and baseless claim against a man as powerful as Donald Trump. Because let me be clear here: if I see a headline, if I see so much as an Internet blurb with the words “Trump” and “lunch” in the same sentence, I am going to bury you in litigation.

I woke up sitting in a wooden chair with my hands tied behind my back. The first thing I noticed as I regained consciousness was the dull ache throbbing at the base of my skull.

“Sarah!” I called out again, I felt a little panic bubble up from the bottom of my stomach. Maybe she got scared, I thought to myself, maybe she went back to the car. I started running.

Lately I can’t help thinking about the fact that I’m about the same age that Jesus was when he started getting really big. It’s a nice thought, reassuring, like, sure, I haven’t done anything that significant yet, but look at Jesus.

But while Watchman has generated much controversy regarding this unfortunate change in perspective, readers and critics have been all but silent about the book’s most shocking revelation: that Atticus Finch is actually a robot.

What would the country look like with a celebrity President? Would they pull a Reagan and start selling weapons to Iranian radicals to fund rebels in Nicaragua? Or might a new course be charted?

Businesses occupy a unique place in contemporary America. “Corporations are people!” Mitt Romney famously cried out during the 2012 Presidential campaign, illustrating a continued history of the US government’s protection of corporate personhood. What does that even mean?

I always forget about Free Slurpee Day. Every year, July 11th rolls around, 7/11, and by the time I realize that everyone’s drinking a free Slurpee, by the time I actually make the conscious connection between the proliferation of small Slurpee cups and the calendar date, it’s usually too late.

At one point when I was a little kid, we had this pet owl. I’m pretty sure it’s super illegal to keep owls as pets, but that never crossed my mind when I was younger, he was just kind of there in the background of my childhood for a little while, Oggie the owl.

Yesterday the nearly month-long manhunt for two escaped prisoners in upstate New York came to an end. The story had everything: an improbable escape, a forbidden romance, an inmate’s hidden artistic talents, a botched getaway car.

Look, it’s still really early. And as I’m writing this, there are already something like two dozen Republican candidates all vying for their party’s nomination. Nobody’s expecting you to be familiar with everyone in the field.

I’d been waiting on line at the souvlaki cart on 31st Ave in Astoria, Queens for something like fifteen minutes. It was over ninety degrees out. Everyone was sweating: the three guys inside the food truck had wet rags draped over the back of their necks.