I’m About The Same Age That Jesus Was When He Started Getting Big

Lately I can’t help thinking about the fact that I’m about the same age that Jesus was when he started getting really big. It’s a nice thought, reassuring, like, sure, I haven’t done anything that significant yet, but look at Jesus. He was probably thinking the same thing when he was my age. I mean, do I really imagine I’m going to overthrow an empire and start a chain of events that will shape world affairs two thousand years from now? Probably not. But it’s possible. And just knowing that it’s within the realm of possibility makes me feel like my life can’t be that bad, that it’s not too late to really make something of myself.

And why not? Because think about it, I have so much more going on for me right now than Jesus did when he was in his early thirties. Like, I have a Soda Stream. Did Jesus have a Soda Stream? Nope. And Jesus didn’t have the Internet either. I’m sure turning water into wine was a really impressive parlor trick at the time, but if I found myself in that situation today, first, I’d go up to the host of that wedding, I’d be like, “Come on dude, who throws a wedding and doesn’t buy enough booze?”

And then I’d take out my phone and I’d say, “Siri, tell me where the nearest liquor store is.” Right? In fact, if I were at that wedding two thousand years ago, not only would I have not been impressed at Christ’s little miracle there, but I’d be worried. “Hey Jesus,” I’d say, “you know we’re living in an age where potable water isn’t exactly a luxury. Maybe two thousand years from now some of the world’s luckier inhabitants will be able to easily draw drinking water from metal pipes conveniently located throughout their houses, but that’s not the case here. We’re in the middle of the desert. People needed that water, and you just turned it into wine.”

In fact, I’d venture to guess that most of the people at that wedding died. They probably got blackout drunk on vast quantities of miracle wine and they all woke up the next day totally dehydrated, I’m talking roaring hangovers. Which wouldn’t have been a problem if twenty-something instant gratification JC maybe thought out his actions further than just the present moment.

“It’s fine, it’s fine,” he probably tried to reassure everybody, “just get me some of that leftover wine and I’ll turn it back into water.” And everybody was like, “Are you serious? It’s all gone. You drank most of it. Don’t you remember tying those two wineskins to your hands, insisting that nobody cut them loose until you finished them both?”

See? The few stories that we have of Jesus’s twenties show him as partying it up and getting hammered. And he still went on to change the world. And now after having blown through my twenties with the proverbial punch bowl on top of my head, I think I’m in a similar position to go out there and do something great.

All I’m saying is, history is written by the winners. Or, in the water-into-wine case, by the survivors. Notice that not once during the rest of the entire New Testament does Jesus dare turn anything else into wine. In fact, I think that there’s enough evidence later on to show that he learned his lesson in regards to frivolous miracle making.

Like what about that time that he multiplied the fishes and loaves to feed all of those people? Again, what was wrong with everyone back then? You’re going to travel far away from home in the middle of nowhere to see an ultra-popular rabbi on his tour of the Holy Land, and you’re not going to bring any food? You’re just going to stand around and wait to starve to death?

My point is, Jesus stepped up, he gave them, bread, fish, terrific. And what about something to drink? “My Lord,” they probably begged him, “everyone’s complaining that, while the food is delicious, they can’t seem to find any water or wine to wash it all down.” And Jesus was probably like, “I … I can’t. I can’t perform miracles on water and wine. I made a promise. Never again!” See? He was turning into a responsible adult. A Jesus from not even five years before would have made it rain tequila.

I’m just saying, Jesus was a big deal. But until he got his shit together when he was something like thirty years old, he was a relative unknown. And then he turned it around and everyone was like, “Who is this guy? Where did he come from? What a grown up! He really made something of himself!”

It’s just nice to think about, that even though I haven’t made my mark on this world yet, even though my biggest accomplishment in life thus far is having successfully skied for six-hours on one of those four-hour half-day lift tickets, I still have plenty of time to do something great. Or, not great, but good. Just something. I’ve got to come up with something. Maybe something with health benefits. And the important thing here is, there’s still time. Because Jesus wasn’t big until he was my age.