My Baby Is Way Better Than Your Baby

I know this sounds crazy, because what parent doesn’t think his or her baby is the best? But in my case, it’s true: my baby really is the best baby. And I know I’m totally biased here, so believe me or don’t believe me, whatever. But regardless of whether or not you think what I’m saying is for real, it doesn’t change the reality of the situation, that my baby is the best. He’s the number one baby around. No other babies come close to being even a fraction of how awesome he is.

I sound like a lunatic, right? I know, and I hear you. I never thought I would be one of those dads who went around saying stuff like, “My baby is so much better than your baby!” Before I had a kid, I’d hear about wacko parents like that, always putting their babies on these pedestals, I’d think, get out of here, you’re insane, your baby is just a regular baby, no better or worse than anyone else’s baby.

When my wife got pregnant, I made a promise to myself. I looked at myself in the mirror and said, “Rob, you are not going to turn into one of those parents. You’re not going to be one of those dads who goes on the Internet and talks about how awesome his baby is.”

And at the time, I really meant it. But then my wife delivered the baby, and right away I could tell that my baby was different. I tried to brush it off as me being overly subjective, that my baby only seemed far superior to all other babies. I told myself that it was just the newness of the situation, that it would eventually wear off, that I’d learn to see my baby as just another baby, not inherently smarter or better looking than all other babies.

But even as I was saying that to myself, another voice in my head was screaming, “No way! This baby is different. He’s special. Just look at him! Are you going to look at this baby and honestly tell yourself that he’s not the best baby to have ever been born? Because he is. This baby is better than any other baby that’s ever lived.”

It’s been two months now, and that screaming voice has just gotten louder and louder. In fact, it’s pretty much the only voice in my head now. Sure, I have these memories and stuff of once thinking that my baby was just going to be like any other baby, but at this point there’s no use in even putting up a fight. Because it’s the truth. My baby is just different. He’s special. He’s the best baby.

I used to walk around the city and I wouldn’t even notice other babies. Every once in a while a baby would start crying, and then I’d notice the baby, I’d think to myself, will someone shut that baby up? But not anymore. Now I see babies everywhere. It’s like I have a heightened baby sense. Could I have really changed that much? Maybe there’s just more babies around now that I have a baby. Yeah, that’s probably it.

And whenever I see these babies, I’m immediately struck by how much better my baby is: better looking, smarter, more adorable, sweeter, better smelling. Like that baby over there, my baby is so much better looking. And no offense to your baby, I’m sure it’s a cute baby. But compared to my baby? Come on, you never stood a chance. My baby is just naturally cuter. He’s the cutest.

My baby is smarter than your baby. And I know what you’re thinking, how it’s really hard to measure and compare the intelligence of a two-month-old. But I swear, my baby actually listens to me when I’m talking to him. He’s been doing it since he was born. Most other babies are just crying and fussing and pooping. They can’t even open their eyes all the way. But I’ll say to my baby, “Son! Look! Over here!” and he actually looks! That’s incredible, right? I guarantee your baby can’t do that.

Also, my baby has some of the strongest neck muscles any baby has ever had. Not joking, the pediatrician’s first words when seeing my baby were, “Wow! That kid’s got some serious neck muscles!” And that wasn’t all he said. After the neck muscles compliment, he went on to praise his weight and height (both excellent) as well as his photogenic good looks.

All right, I can guess what you’re thinking, enough, we get it, your baby is super awesome. Yes. But it’s more than that. I just want to make myself clear here. I’m not simply saying that he’s a good baby, or even a great baby. My baby is the best baby. I’m talking literally. There’s no other baby on this planet that even comes close to being as amazing as my baby. If you have your own baby, and you’re thinking to yourself, that’s not true, my baby is better, listen up: you’re wrong. My baby is better. Much better. He’s the best.