Supermarket Candy Aisles Are So Much Cooler When You’re A Sugar-Horny Little Kid

I was at the grocery store the other day and I when I got to the checkout, I turned my head to the side, right at that wall of candy they always put next to every cashier. And I can’t even imagine what that’s got to be like for a mom or a dad, like if they’re raising little kids and can’t find somebody to watch them while they go grocery shopping. I remember being a little kid, I would be super bored having to walk through the whole store with my mom, not watching TV, not playing with any of my action figures or Legos.

And once we finally got close to the end, now the waiting amplified, all because I had to stare at this wall of candy, taunting me, it would talk to me, saying stuff like, “Hey buddy, why don’t you ask your mom if you can buy some of us? We’re so tasty and sweet! Come on do it!” and I’d be like, “Hey Mom. Mom? Mom. Mom! Mom! Mom!” and finally she’d turn, “What? What is it?” and I’d ask, “Mom. Can I get some candy?” And it was always the same, “How many times do I have to tell you to stop asking me to buy candy? We’re not buying any candy!”

I’d look back at the candy, at those sugar covered peach rings and Skittles and giant peanut looking pink gummy things, and I was like, “Sorry guys, my mom said no.” But they didn’t stop. They started giggling, I’d think, what’s so funny? Are they laughing at me? They’d say, “No, we’re laughing because it’s so simple, just pick us up and put us on the conveyor belt. Your mom’s not going to see. And then after she pays, just take us out of the shopping bag and bring us up to your bedroom.”

So I looked to my mom, she’d be counting coupons or helping bag the groceries and I’d think, yeah, maybe I can get away with it. Maybe I’ll just go for the Sour Patch Watermelons here, and as long as the cashier slides them into the bag before … “Hey!” I got caught barely arm toward the candy, I still have no idea how moms can do that, “Don’t even think about it!”

But I’m an adult now, a grown man. I was at that grocery store the other day, I looked at that wall for the first time in I don’t know how long, and I heard the candy again, they were like, “Rob! What the hell dude? You’re a man now! Don’t be such a pansy, buy every single one of us, go home, open us up all at once, and start eating until you throw up. Do it! We’re not fucking around here!”

So I was like, all right, all right, I’ll buy some candy. It was weird though, it all looked so much brighter and better when I was a little kid. None of this stuff was even name brand, it was all just random loose candy in generic plastic pouches.

Like one of the bags were these individually wrapped colorless, clear hard candies. They said, “menthol.” That was it, menthol. What the hell is that? Isn’t that a cigarette flavor? It’s like, it’s not mint, but it’s cold like mint, and that’s it. What kind of a psychopath buys a whole bag of plain menthol hard candies?

I was getting a little freaked out, so I went for a trusted classic, some sour gummy worms. At least, I thought it was a trusted classic. They tasted different, almost like cotton candy. Not even. They tasted like cotton candy flavored bubble gum. And the consistency wasn’t like I remembered at all. Instead of being like chewy and gummy, they were soft and gooey, like fruit snacks, like a really warm Fruit by the Foot.

But I still ate the whole thing. And then my mouth hurt, it was really dry. I drank like three glasses of water but it didn’t quench the thirst, it just made me overly full and nauseous. I went online and did a little search, seeing what might alleviate my discomfort. “Try some menthol hard candies!” the Internet said, and I was like, no fucking way, this ends right now. So I went back to the store to buy some Tums. I’d endure my pain, and I’d learn my lesson, like an adult.

But even the express checkout lane, there was still a candy aisle. I tried to ignore it but they called out to me, it was the menthol hard candies, a whole wall of colorless individually wrapped rectangles. They were screaming at me in this hoarse old-lady voice, “Come on Rob!” I felt like I was losing my mind. I told myself to ignore it, but this express line was taking forever, I’m pretty sure the guy in front of me had more than twelve items. The yelling only got worse, “You know you’re going to do it! Don’t make us ask twice, because we’re in your head now, get ready, it’s all menthol for you from here on out! Pucker up baby!”

And I just freaked out and ran. Because I couldn’t deal, that was insane. I just got the hell out.