12 Signs You’re The Parent Of A Toddler

As a parent of a two year old, I get it. I’ve called my mom and told her how many things I appreciate her doing when I was younger that I had no idea I ignored for years. It’s crazy how much everything completely changes when you have a child. Every decision, from your dinner to your vacation, now has a new factor to consider. To help you out and let you know that you aren’t alone, here are 12 signs that you’re the parent of a toddler. See, it’s not just you that cried during those Google Chrome commercials!

1. Your entire day revolves around the time, frequency, and texture of your child’s bowel movements. “Sorry I can’t meet you guys for dinner, this diaper is full of something that looks like swamp moss.”

2. You’ve gotten upset at a friend who came over, because they opened a soda can too loudly and may have woken your child who FINALLY went down for a nap.

3. You used to stay out until the sun started rising, but now if someone calls you after 8pm you look at the clock and think, “Well this better be some sort of emergency.”

4. Five years ago you went to Bonaroo and SXSW. This year you’ve seen Sesame Street on Ice and Yo Gabba Gabba Live.

5. The last movie you went to watch in the theater just came on TNT.

6. Every roll of toilet paper in your house looks like a poorly designed mummy, since you’ve had to re-roll them because someone left the bathroom door open.

7. A clean shirt used to mean it just came back from the dry cleaners. Now a clean shirt is one that you can scratch the stain on the shoulder off of so it’s not as noticeable.

8. You’ve quoted someone and thought, “Where did I hear that?” only to later figure out it was from an episode of Spongebob when Gary ran away from home because Spongebob forgot to feed him.

9. The most generic, ridiculous commercial about a wedding day or graduation has made you cry because you thought, “Oh my god, that’s going to be MY child some day.”

10. You’ve yelled the phrase, “Don’t eat carpet!”

11. Your Christmas tree doesn’t have any ornaments or decorations on the bottom tier either as a result of your child taking them off, or you removing them to keep him from hoarding them into a toy chest.

12. You may not have gum in your purse, but there’s a juice box, two sandwich bags full of Cheerios, and enough hand sanitizer to eliminate the BP oil spill.