Richard Grayson

It’s curious how some things, some people, stay with you. In the shower a little while ago, I found myself singing “Brainchild California,” the song that Stacy wrote and sang.

It was so gratifying to know that I’m alone and responsible for myself; adulthood has more concrete joys than childhood any day.

It was exciting to do it in public, outdoors, for once. I think Ronna found my aggressiveness surprising but she responded with passion.

We watched TV in her bedroom and started making love again. It was one of the most intense sexual encounters that I’ve ever had. Ronna said she nearly passed out…I don’t think I’ve ever felt so close to another person’s body.

Yesterday in the hospital, Vito asked me, “Is it manly to cry?” “Of course,” I said quietly. “Then I think I’m about to be very manly,” he said.

Ronna told me that last night she dreamed she was in bed with both me and Ivan.

Avis must be getting ready to board her jet in Montreal now. I admire her courage, going off alone to a totally new and different life in Europe.

Ronna looked really pretty and proud: my girlfriend the college graduate. And tonight, when she appeared on the Channel 2 Six O’Clock News, she looked stunningly beautiful.

Coming home last night at dusk, I was suffused with a pale blue bittersweet kind of emotion. My last class at Richmond College was over, and I felt ecstatic and nostalgic at the same time.

The last time I saw Peter, at Kjell’s house four years ago, I was really attracted to him, and Ronna, who had him as a drama counselor in the country, thinks he might be gay, too.

I wonder if I sound pompous in these pages, like some self-centered, self-righteous neurotic who can’t see his faults – for there are many traits in me that I do not like. I can be as petty, mean and destructive as anybody.

Ronna said she doesn’t believe anything anyone tells her while they’re on top of her, and I guess I do say “I love you” more when I’m breathing heavily.