An Open Letter To The Cake In The Work Breakroom

Dear cake in the break room at work,

I was on my way to the refrigerator to retrieve the healthy snack I had brought from home (a Yoplait Light & Fit yogurt cup with sliced fruit) when I passed you.

You were just sitting there on the counter in all of your cream-covered, custard-filled glory. My poor yogurt and fruit didn’t stand a chance against you. You were beckoning to me in that way you always do. You were pleading with me to take a bite, just one little bite, as if one bite would ever be enough to satisfy me. You know I have a weakness for you. You’re like that ex that I never quite got over, even after years of trying and lots of therapy. Of course, our relationship is purely one-sided and always has been. I am in love with you and you’re completely indifferent to me. “Eat me or don’t eat me,” you would say if you could talk. “It doesn’t make a bit of difference to me. If you don’t eat me some other weak, pathetic (and probably not even hungry) woman will”.

I wish I could say I fought the good fight. I wish I could say I stood my ground and didn’t give in to you, but we both know the truth.  Your pull was just too strong and I am just too weak. At first it was just a little frosting. Then some cake, but just a little. But as the day went on, a little bit turned into a lot, and before I knew it, I was sneaking a full plate of you back to my desk and devouring you as quickly as I could, destroying the evidence before any of my coworkers could see just how low I had sunk. So much for my resolution to lose weight. So much for my diet and exercise plan. I had officially lost control. You made me lose control. You turned me from a rational, healthy eating, regular exerciser (which I had been for the whole two weeks prior) to a sugar-obsessed maniac, willing to sacrifice it all for one measly piece of cake.

You and I have been here before.  And I’m sure we’ll be here again. I always vow that next time I will be stronger. Sometimes I am. But sometimes, like today, I’m not. I gave up meat a few years ago. You’d think giving up sweets would be easy after giving up meat, but not so much. I envy those people who say they don’t like sweets. I envy them but also don’t understand or fully trust them. Who doesn’t like sweets?

I want to think that someday I will be able to live a life free from your torment. One where I can just take you or leave you. But I don’t see how that could happen, with you being so delicious and me being so in love with your deliciousness. I guess, what’s one piece of cake in the grand scheme of things, really? I can always restart my diet plan tomorrow. But since the day is basically wasted already, I may as well go and have another slice of cake. If there is still any of you left, that is.