This Is Why We Need A Straight Pride Day

I want, like many other people, a Straight Pride Day.

I want a multitudinous parade, filled with bleak, grey people. I want to see traditional families composed of dad, mom, one and a half kids and a dog bought in a pet store.

I want to see, right at the head of the parade, a bunch of preachers. You know, the ones that go on babbling about gender ideology and gay marriage while they keep on raping little children.

I can’t wait to see squads of straight people carrying their bleak flags, proud to be of the only conceivable sexual orientation, proud of their respect for the natural order.

I want to go, incognito, into a pub filled with cis-het guys moving their shoulders rhythmically while they cradle a drink in their hands. I want to hear them shouting slurs full of sexual innuendos to girls who just want to dance by themselves.

I’d love to see a bunch of old hags dressed in furs, with little rosaries hanging off their necks, saying “Oh my gosh! Won’t they think of the children?”

After all, it would only be just to dedicate a full day to all those families being oppressed and attacked violently, despicably, just because they adhere to an heteronormative canon, just because they dare to defy the all-powerful gay lobby.

Maybe, when we get to celebrate the Straight Pride Day, there won’t be any more scum attacking gay guys just because they dared to hold hands in front of them. Maybe, with the Straight Pride Day, there won’t be any more guys shouting out “you’re lesbian ‘cos you haven’t tasted my cock yet!” Who knows, maybe there won’t be any more trans women dead at the hands of guys with more muscles than neurons.

Maybe, just maybe, there won’t be any more homophobic fanatic idiots thinking they have the right to go into a gay pub to shoot to death a bunch of faggots.

Maybe.