You Lied When You Said Forever

I like to believe that everything happens for a reason. All the trials and heartache that we go through are leading up to some mega good karma. But I’m struggling to find that perspective after what you put me through.

You brought up wedding plans and future children. Told me to look at engagement rings and plan to go with you to graduate school. One mediocre phone call later and that illusion you made me believe in was shattered.

Did you really think that “spark” was going to last all on its own? Without any work or effort, eventually all sparks fade out. Literal and metaphorical.

Maybe that’s why the initial attraction is called a “spark.” It’s the potential for a future and whether or not you let it die out or cultivate it to become a roaring fire is determined by action. With a little TLC, and a bit (a ton) of dedication, that spark will gradually grow.

But not ours.

While I was tending to the rapidly depleting flames, you watched from a distance and shrugged your shoulders. I frantically fought to keep us warm, but you hogged the blankets. (Ironic because that was normally my role while we slept.)

I’m stuck in a permanent cycle of anger and partial-acceptance. Anger because, after so much time together, I deserved more than a phone call and your lack of effort. Partial-acceptance because I know that I deserve so much better.

I deserve more than what you were willing to give me. I deserve someone who will let me watch “The Little Mermaid” for the fiftieth time with no complaints. Or any movie of my choice without constant objection at least once in a while.

I deserve a man who would fight for me. A man who shows me he loves me so I never have to question it. He’ll plan dates and follows through on promises. He will look at me like Luke Danes looks at Lorelai Gilmore. He’ll tell me he is all in and mean it.

I thought that was you. I wanted that to be you. And maybe, at one point, it was. Or maybe these expectations are crazy, but I never expect any more than what I’m willing to give.

You promised me forever and then took it back without warning.

You planted the idea of a future in my head, and it grew. I wasn’t ready for that next step yet, but I was excited at the thought of building a future together. Then you plucked it out, roots and all.

It could be that we were both so desperate to find our “person” that we just fell for the idea of each other. Or maybe because we were so in love at first, we held on even after we had grown into different people. Looking back, I’m not sure I liked the person you became.

So I guess I should thank you. If not for the sake of avoiding being overly petty, but for adding that bit of closure others in this situation so desperately crave.

Thank you for showing me that I deserve better. No one should ever settle for a passive partner. At least not when it comes down to the amount of effort they are willing to put into the relationship. I deserve to love myself just as much as I deserve a man who will love me enough to fight for me.

Thank you for giving me the chance to go out and find him.