I Still Wonder About You

I still wonder about you, a lot more than I should, and a lot more than I reveal. After all we’ve been through, it’s hard for me to reach out to you because I know—the whole world knows—that we will never be what I wanted us to be. Still, I wonder about you.

I wonder if you remember all the details of the first time you told me you had feelings for me, and how happy I was. When I thought all my prayers were being answered through you, that you were finally here to rescue me from all those failed relationships and meaningless flings.

I wonder if you still listen to that song I told you about, and if you think of me every time it comes on, and I wonder how it makes you feel.

I wonder if Adele makes you think of me.

I wonder if you miss talking to me after a long, hard day at work, and if you still think I can make you smile when you are tired.

I wonder if you know that I enjoyed every moment with you more than I enjoyed my entire life.

I wonder if you think of me as someone who is so close yet so far away.

I wonder if you are aware that so many words were left unsaid between us, and I wonder if you are curious to find out what they were.

I wonder if you read what I write, and I wonder if you smile when you read between the lines.

I wonder if I made it hard for you to sleep at night.

I wonder if you figured out that I needed to love myself the way I loved you, and that I needed to see myself the way I saw you.

I wonder if you like who I am becoming and I wonder if you will ever try to find out why I disappeared.

I wonder if you knew how far I was willing to go to make you happy.

I wonder if you worry that I might have met someone else.

I wonder if you met someone else yourself, and I wonder if she will ever look at you the way I did, and if she will listen to you even when you are quiet. You were always quiet.

I wonder if you are still having issues with your dad, and I wonder if there is someone there to reassure you that you are doing just fine and that you need to stop being so hard on yourself. You were always so hard on yourself.

I wonder if you still tell bad jokes, and if you miss the way I laughed at them, or if you miss my “obnoxious but lovable” laugh.

I wonder what comes to your mind when you hear my name and if it still means anything to you.

I wonder even though there is no point in wondering.

I wonder even though I know we are not right for each other.

I wonder because deep down inside, I know you wonder too.