5 Struggles Of An Ugly Crier (And 4 Products That’ll Provide Instant Relief)

The jig is up; you cry like Lilo in court, and the struggles are real.

Updated 10 years ago, March 27, 2015

Ah, the crucial relationship “firsts.” For some, this means waiting for the right moment to have sex. For others, saving their first outing together for someplace special. And while all certainly important, it’s always been the first relationship cry that has, for me, taken priority.

Say what you will, but when I start seeing someone new, I try to keep the floodgates sealed tight for as long as humanly possible. I’ve never tried heroin, but I have always imagined that “initial high” so many health teachers speak of and warn against to be very similar to the first relationship cry. For, just as you’ll never again be able to experience that first high, so too will your tears never again be able to induce the same level of sympathy they did the first time around. The first cry is not so much effective as it is a rare, metaphysical instance of sorcery. For that short-lived moment, your tears grow arms that stretch outwards and clench their hearts. If only for a fleeting period, you are your partner’s weeping fawn. And it’s fuckin awesome.

After that first cry, every subsequent cry becomes less and less persuasive, less and less impactful. Because once those floodgates open, it’s hard to reel them back in; before you know it, you’ll be sobbing in the corner for Zayn.

Perhaps it’s different for attractive criers, but as an ugly crier, I can say with the utmost certainty that the first relationship cry is pivotal. After that, there are no two ways about it: your tears are neither steamy like Leo’s in Romeo + Juliet, nor soft and contained like Demi Moore’s in Ghost. The jig is up; you cry like Lilo in court, and the struggles are real.

1. The life gets sucked right out of your face.

Unlike a pretty crier, an ugly crier can’t just bounce right back. For one, you’ve had the soul sucked right out of your face, and that’s not easy to hide. Forget the sheet mask or the honey facial from the night before; any glow you may have been relishing is – poof – GONE. However many hours of sleep you had the night before is instantly sliced in half. Eyelids become raw and puffy, the under eye areas weak and dark. The physical impact is so strong it often feels irreparable.

2. People will tell you, “You look tired.”

But not before patting you on the back with a nice condescending “awwww.” And usually after asking, “Who died?” (Apparently Empire‘s Vernon Turner doesn’t count.)

3. Your mental capacity wanes.

You’re noticeably slower. Your mind is clouded. Everything feels harder. Normal, everyday activities – recalling words, say, or forming a sentence — are suddenly drowning in a thick, murky mud of emotions.

4. You become a human repeller.

You’ve now gotten to the stage where you’re a physical hazard. To put it simply: no one wants to go near you. Whether it’s your wheezing, coughing, or dripping snot, rest assured: you are making everyone around you uncomfortable.

5. You might also accidentally almost suffocate yourself.

This is the cute part where self-awareness kicks in. Your face is no longer just making those around you uncomfortable; now it’s making you uncomfortable too. You can feel the unnatural ways in which your mouth is contorting. You know it’s only going to get puffier from here. You try to cover your face with your hands, and even though they’re not tissues you use them as such. And now – well isn’t this lovely – you’re having trouble breathing.

Keeping Up With The Kardashians / Amazon.com.

So what do you do? You could cry some more, OR you could nip it in the bud. There aren’t many, but of the few instantly effective topical treatments, these are the ones to have on hand.