18 Things You Should Never Believe Under Any Circumstance

1. When your boss asks you what drugs you do; says it’s a “safe space”

You’re out at a company dinner or some sort of work function that involves alcohol. Colleagues are letting their guards down, starting to share their more deviant sides when your boss turns to you and tries to get you to join, “So what drugs do you do? Don’t worry,” he adds, “This is a safe space.” No. The answer to that question is always no. Safe space my ass. Let’s see how safe it is when I tell you about that time I ate a bag of crack. Nice try, buddy, but I’m trying to keep my job thank you very much.

2. The girl standing outside of Lush offering “free hand massages”

Offer me a free hand massage and yes my interest will be piqued. But offer me a free piece of used gum and my interest will be piqued as well—I have astoundingly low standards for free swag. This does not mean you should actually take them up on their offer. I learned this the hard way when I agreed to a free hand massage from the lady standing outside of Lush. Let it be known: No free massage is worth getting if it comes with eye contact and zero escape route. You will leave feeling used and confused.

3. Pretty much anything a real estate agent/broker tells you

Is “swindler” part of the criteria to becoming a real estate agent? Do you need to have a prerequisite of three years scalping tickets at Yankee stadium or something? Because you guys have this con artist/drug dealer way of flipping everything in a positive light. The other day an agent took me to see an apartment. When we walked into the building, this was spray painted on the door: “Keep door locked. It could cost you your life.” Real estate agent LOLed and was like “I’ve always loved this sign.”

There comes a point when what you’re saying is so obviously bullshit that I am actually offended you thought I would believe you.

4. What a drug dealer tells you about the weed he’s selling

After years of pot-smoking it’s come to my attention that all strains are the same. You might be able to tell the difference between headies and mids, but that’s really it. “Headband” won’t make you feel like you’re wearing a headband and “blueberry kush” has no trace of blueberries.

5. When someone with a significant other tells you “your secret is safe with me”

It’s not. Get it? Because they tell their significant other everything.

6. Me: “I’ll see you at the club”

It could be seven years from now, and I can still confidently guarantee that if those words come out of my mouth they will be lies.

7. Girl/Woman: I love giving blow jobs!

“No but my girlfriend actually does like giving head,” guys will often say. To which I say, no, no they don’t, they are lying to you. How do I know this? Mainly because of the tears I saw rolling down her face, but also because DO YOU ENJOY IT WHEN A HAIRY AND SMELLY BANANA IS SHOVED DOWN YOUR THROAT? HOW ABOUT STREP TESTS? DO YOU LIKE THOSE?

8. When someone gives an outlandish excuse

If someone gives you a wildly detailed and hard-to-believe excuse as to why they can’t make it to something, more times than not they’re lying. 80% of my confidence in this statement comes from the fact that i do this quite a lot myself. Like when your friend says they actually can’t drive you to the airport because her friend from her french exchange summer program is in town and she speaks a certain dialect of French that only she can understand, and so needs to be with her at all times.

9. Ms. Cleo

But also, all psychics in general. Like I really needed to give you $30 for you to tell me that my chakras need to be realigned. What was it that gave it away? Was it my visibly nervous gait? My restless leg syndrome? Or—no, it was the Zoloft I was clutching in my hand the whole time, wasn’t it? You sleuth.

10. Anyone with Chinese symbols tattooed on the small of their back

Why, you ask? Well I’ll answer that with another question: Why not?

11. Drunk Nicky

I love my friend Nicky, especially the audacious, slightly psychotic and emotionally unavailable creature she morphs into when drunk. She has a Jekyll-and-Hyde thing going on except when she goes all Hyde she doesn’t turn evil, but instead makes fantastical and false claims. For instance, that cab drivers with a “Y” in their license plate are actually undercover cops.

12. Anything any sales associate tells you

As someone who has worked in retail I can tell you that, no matter what a salesperson tells you, it will all be lies. So, to the girl who bought that Mugler outfit with me—it looks like shit on you. To the woman who I convinced needed to buy that $600 yellow pom pom beanie—sucker!!! And to the mom who bought that really short Christopher Kane dress—yes, for the love of god YES, you are too old to wear that dress.

13. What new parents say about their child

Not that I blame parents who praise their newborns, but sometimes when you clearly have nothing to work with, you just gotta tell it like it is. So your baby’s ugly? Embrace it! My mom certainly did—for the first 16 months of my life I wasn’t Rachel but David Crosby. Otherwise you’ll end up spewing lies and sounding really dumb, like here, when Kim Kardashian said of her 4-month-old, “She has a really cool, simple style. She likes sweet things that are not too frilly. She likes to be comfortable.” 4 months. The kid is 4-months-old.

14. Girls who orgasm

I’m trying to write objectively here. And while I certainly don’t fake them, the consensus among my guy friends is that many women do. As my friend Scotty would say, “I’m always a bit suspicious. I can’t imagine I’m really pleasuring someone that much.”

15. Pinocchio

Might be obvious to some, but still worth reiterating.

16. “I don’t like the taste of pizza”

Well I don’t like your tone, how about that? I will not stand for such blatant bologna. Speaking of bologna, have you tried it on pizza? It tastes good. But seriously, who do you take me for, a fool?

17. People who say that gays go to hell

No. Just no.

18. “I love running”

K. What part though? Is it the part when five minutes hits and your side cramps up as if to tell you, “Stop it! You stop it right now and take me back to your couch!” Orrrrrrrr is it the part where you start to feel lightheaded and then everything starts to go dark and starry until you are finally deaf, and then com-to in the ER with an IV in your arm? No seriously, which part? Just curious.