14 Really Weird Things You Won’t Be Fazed By If You Live In A City

I'm talking about those times you are literally and forcibly lodged into a lumberjack's stinking armpit.

Updated 11 years ago, October 17, 2013

Despite having lived in NYC my entire life, there are just some things I still can’t get used to. Namely, the nauseating, cold-sweat feeling that washes over you when you’re hungover and on your way to work, and you step right into a fart cloud or pass what smells like a rotting human. But barring that, there’s really not much that long-term city-dwellers are fazed by. Some examples, in no particular order:

1. Tranny fist fights

We don’t even call it that here. We just call it, Tuesday nights in the West Village.

2. Beggars

In some cities, they’re everywhere. And while I can’t speak for other cities, I know that New Yorkers are not only unfazed by them, but will in fact go so far as to appear offended by them too.

3. Dumpster divers

One man’s trash is another man’s goldmine. And who are we to judge?

4. Pooping on subway

I think I will always remember this moment as if it was yesterday—when, on the 1 train coming home from High School, some man opened the door on the train as if to switch cars, but instead just stuck his bum out and took a big ol’ poo. I remember asking a friend if what I just saw really happened and, when she confirmed that yes, it did, I just resumed my game of Brick Breaker like it ain’t no thang.

5. Getting stuck in an armpit

And I don’t mean this figuratively! I’m talking about those times you are literally and forcibly lodged into a lumberjack’s stinking armpit. Again, I can’t speak for other cities but here we call this L train at 9am.

Not only are we unfazed by this, but it’s also not uncommon to just resign yourself to said armpit and try to take a quick catnap. If you close your eyes long enough and ignore the smell, it can feel like you’re deep in the woods somewhere.

6. Death

If you’re an NYC noob, let me give you some sage advice: Should you happen to be waiting on a subway platform when an MTA official announces that your train is delayed due to complications with someone being pushed onto the track, BE COOL. The only acceptable reaction is anger and frustration over your train being late.

7. Walking barefoot on the street

I may tell you to watch out for that pile of glass you’re about to step on, but judge I will certainly not! If there’s one thing I know about it’s sweaty feet.

8. Butt-cheeks touching subway seat

I’m not even fazed when my own bare ass is touched by the cool, blue, shiny seats, let alone looking at someone else’s ass do just that. Which is not to say that I won’t react if a boil subsequently pops up on my ass. Just that that feeling of instant gratification upon plopping down on the subway trumps all.

9. Kids on leashes

What’s wrong with a little discipline? In my household the dog was always favored over human, and so being put on a leash was always a sign of endearment.

10. Doggie hotels

If someone can think of ONE reason why a dog shouldn’t have access to room service, I welcome you with open arms. But you can’t, can you? That’s what I thought.

11. Pigeon people

This confounds me, yes, but does it faze me? Not in the least. Cities are not the easiest environment to make friends, and to each is own.

12. Cavalier unicycle riding

Show me a uni-soul-cycle and MAYBE I’ll react.

13. Subway nail-cutters

If I could, I would. Just be happy that they’re maintaining personal hygiene.

14. People talking to themselves

Honestly I find these people to be the least crazy of all. Not only are these guys just doing what every city-goer does in the privacy of his or her own home, but, if you think about it, they’re kind of ready for anything. Think about it. You’re constantly in dialogue with yourself, conjuring up tricky scenarios and then getting yourself out of them. I bet they rule at job interviews.