So, Your Boyfriend’s Fat. Now What?

We’ve all been there. A year into your relationship, your boyfriend has gotten oh-so-comfortable, at the expense of his figure. Frankly, I think it’s unfair. Why is it that as soon as they snag a girlfriend, they lose all motivation to look good? It hurts, too. Homegirl (or guy) thought you two were in this together, and now he’s suddenly taken matters into his own hands. Of course, by “matters” I mean lard, and by “hands” I mean his stomach and ass. So, below, some helpful tips to turn your fat man into a fit one.

Play with his fat

You don’t have to be mean about it, but when you’re lying around watching TV and he has his shirt off, go ahead and play with it. Knead it as you would a piece of dough. Spooning? Switch things up a bit, get behind him and take hold of his gut. The trick is to do it mindlessly, as one might twirl their hair mindlessly, so as not to offend. There’s a fine line between playing and offending. But still, it’s crucial that you seize it any chance you get. Maybe you’re on the couch, and he offers you his hand to help you up. This is a great opportunity to grab his fat instead. You get it.

Eat all the ice cream before he comes

Because we ALL KNOW that whatever you’re eating, he will eat as well. Sometimes it can almost look as if he’s racing himself in a food-eating contest. A little improvising here could do wonders. Let’s say things go a bit awry and he does find the ice cream—offer to put it in a bowl for him. It’s a win-win: you’ll get props for your servitude, and he can’t finish the entire pint.

Order food

He’s coming over; you’re planning on getting dinner…take matters into your own hands. Order a nice big salad and have it waiting for him when he arrives. “My treat,” you can say, because it truly is a treat to not have to watch him inhale a 20-piece chicken mcnugget for dinner. Then, when you’re alone, you can let out a big “Muahahaha.”

Pretend you’re going to be late for something; make him run

It’s 7:30; you’re getting ready for an 8:00 dinner with your parents. Startle him into a state of frenzy with, “Shit, babe! Dinner is actually in 10 minutes! If we run we can make it in time!” If all goes to plan, he’ll run the whole way there. For real and quick results, you’re going to want to pull this move at least once a day.

Make sure he actually goes to the gym

“Babe I’m gonna go to the gym this morning,” he says, and yet, two hours later, and he’s still playing that damn videogame he downloaded on his iPhone last night. Don’t let him forget. “You still going to the gym?” you might ask nonchalantly. Or, “Hey, um, while you’re there, wanna pick up a yoga schedule for me?” “While I’m where?” he might ask, still deeply invested in the game. “While you’re at the gym,” you can reply. “But you can view the schedule online,” he might counter, throwing you off a bit. Keep your cool, put your headphones on and pretend you’ve lost your sense of hearing until he leaves to go work out.

Fight

Getting in a massive fight is a surefire way to build up aggression, and fast too. Hopefully he’ll need to take his aggression out somewhere and will opt for the gym or a nice run instead of you. Warning: if your boyfriend’s name is Chris Brown, don’t do this.

Take pics

Sometimes they just don’t notice how fat they’ve gotten, in which case pictures are KEY. Subtlety is golden here. Let him go wild one night and gorge his face off, then be like “cheese!” The next day, you’re going to want to whip that photo out and tell him, “Aww this one is so cute of you!” If all goes well/he hasn’t lost his eyesight, he’ll take one gander at that photo, be like, “Ew look at my bloated face,” and promptly decide to starve himself thereafter.