10 Clues Your Boyfriend Thinks You’re Fat

1. Nicknames

“What’s in a name? That which we call a rose / By any other name would smell as sweet.”

Riiiiiiight. Yeah…I’m going to have to call your bluff on this one, Juliet. I find it hard to believe that you’d be as impartial to names if Romeo nicknamed your left and right butt cheeks ricotta and cottage cheese, respectively.

2. He asks you how spin class was…

…even when you made it abundantly clear you were skipping spin class to go to Googa Mooga.

3. He buys you lunch

Sounds nice, huh? Let’s see how nice it feels when he shows up with a salad for you and a delicious looking lasagna Bolognese for himself.

4. He compares you to a painting.

A Renaissance painting. Sigh…

5. He buys you lingerie

Except: curveball! It’s a Snuggie!

6. He starts utilizing your fat creases

Maybe one time he’ll try and stick his penis in one of them à la Girls Season 2 Episode 7. Or, perhaps he’ll try to swipe his metro card in one of them, hoping you can tell him how much money’s left on it.

7. You are his go-to partner for case races and beer pong

Already, a red siren should be going off in your head. It certainly doesn’t help that sometimes after a win, dizzy with triumph, he’ll slap you really hard on the ass with an encouraging, “Way to go, tank!”

8. Odd role-play

Recently, he’s really been getting into role-play. Sometimes he’s a doctor and makes you Kirstie Alley. Other times, he’s Cory and you’re Topanga. It varies!

9. He sits on you

When you’re cramming into one of his friend’s cars, he goes, “Oh don’t worry about us, we’ll double up back here!” and goes straight for your lap.

10. His taste in music changes

He used to sing James Taylor’s “Sweet Baby James” to help you fall asleep at night. Now he faintly hums Queen’s “Fat Bottomed Girls.”