With You, Goodbyes Never Come Easy

To sum it up in one line – it wasn’t easy. It has never been and it will never be.

There is no perfect way of saying a goodbye. Even if you practice it a million times in your mind, it will still be as heartbreaking when you really do it, every time. That is also kind of the worst part, you never get used to it. NEVER. I thought you saw it too when we made that eye contact a few hours back. I was actually hoping for it. I thought you felt it too and maybe that would make you stay. But it didn’t. Maybe I hid it too well. This is how you perfectly waste one and a half bottles of beer.

In the logical world, going away on our separate paths to keep going with life is always the right thing to do.

Not so much in the world of emotions. This dimension demands people to stay in love and together as long as they want. Sometimes it wins, other times logic takes over. When I realized that I was going to see you for the last time (again), I hit repeat and played the same tape that I’ve been playing for the past three years in my mind, planning the perfect goodbye; praying that the hole in my heart ceases to grow any bigger. I won’t say it’s the same every time, it’s worse and it keeps getting worse.

If only this was a story written in words and not real life; if only I could state how my eyes locked back the tears every time they blinked looking at you; if only I could put down the warmth of my hands every time they were wrapped around yours. If only I could find words for that tingling in my bones every time you almost-smile at me. I’d read all of it over and over and over again and cry. Every time. Because it’s the best thing I’ve ever had and it stings. Mostly because it’s us and yet not us somehow. We’re also two different people, two different people with two different lives in two different states. It stings.

After everything being said and done, after coming to terms with what will and might be, I’d still choose you (my six feet tall Pikachu!). I’d still want you to be my hardest goodbye, I’d still want you to see me cry like a baby every time it happens, and I’d always want you to wipe my tears off my redden cheeks as we laugh about my crooked nose. All of it, because you’re pure and it’s the only word in the vocabulary of over 6,500 languages I’d ever use to describe you. It’s your best feature.

You don’t need anything to hide it or highlight it. I look at you, and it’s the only thing that I see.

You’ve healed wounds that were beyond repair, given me more than I ever deserved to have, known me inside and out, and loved beyond all reason; tell me how would it not hurt when you walk away, turn, and disappear when I long for that one last look of you.

For a world that is round, happy endings are but a mirage. There are no endings with spheres and circles; there is no happy waiting for us. We need to find and create joy in the littlest of things. We need to smile after the tears are shed and move on. It is what it is and it is awful. I can only hope for you to come back soon and stay, forever. You will, won’t you?