A Series Of Things I Wish I Understood

I wish I understood why it took a million words to make me believe that I have one good quality or feature, but only one word to make me believe that I have a million bad qualities or features.

I wish I understood why it was so easy for me to self loathe yet so hard to self love. I mean I never have a problem looking into the mirror and pointing out my flaws, but I always seem to find it difficult to see pretty staring back at me.

I wish I understood why it was so easy for me to dwell in sorrow yet so hard to for me to build a foundation for happiness. As though happiness is unwelcome in my heart, so I create storms that destroy it.

I wish I understood why I always try to fit into other people’s mold. It’s almost as though not living up to other people’s expectations makes me less endearing. I wonder how different my life would be if I made my own choices and stopped letting society take the lead.

I wish I understood why I only seem to remember the mistakes I’ve made. Because it’s okay that I’m not perfect. IT’S OKAY THAT I’M HUMAN. I fall short. I don’t always say the right thing. I don’t always do the right thing. But then I ask myself, do I do anything right?

I wish I understood that my failures don’t define me. It’s okay that I’ve failed, and it’s okay that I’m going to fail again. It’s not always about the end result, it’s about my attitude throughout the whole thing. I just never seem to find it in me to be positive after defeat.

I wish I understood that things will happen when they’re meant to. Everyone has their own journey. I don’t need to look at other people’s lives and wonder why I’m not there yet. Because I will be, one day; I just need to wait for myself to get there. But I’ve seemingly convinced myself that I’m not going to. I’ve seemingly convinced myself that I’m undeserving.