All I (A Millennial) Want For Christmas

1. Whatever face cream Nicole Kidman uses

2. A second season of The Bold Type, because I’m too emotionally invested in these optimistic unicorns at this point goddamnit

3. A never-ending supply of zodiac related articles that accurately describe my very generic Millennial problems, but also tell me what a unique and special personality I have

4. A magic refrigerator that doesn’t let food go bad, built especially for single females who never seem to be able to eat their groceries before they expire resulting in a dramatic shame spiral for being such a wasteful human being (I swear I can hear Sarah McLachlan playing in the background as I pour milk down the drain, even though she does the ASPCA commercials and not the ones for starving kids, nonetheless – still a guilt trip)

5. That new Ralph Lauren perfume I smelled in a magazine and then proceeded to rub on myself in the checkout aisle of CVS

6. For Ariana Grande to drop a new album

7. All of the coats Charlize Theron wore in Atomic Blonde

8. All of the boots Charlize Theron wore in Atomic Blonde

9. A new president

10. My restored faith in humanity in general

11. Laundry machines that accept credit and or debit cards because there is no other reason in life to have that many quarters, ever

12. For the United States to replace it’s enthusiasm for guns with a newfound enthusiasm for naps, specifically the Spanish practice of siesta

13. A new watch because you can never have too many watches to tell you exactly how late you are to brunch

14. For Uber to update its GPS system because I am tired of asking drivers to take the highway and not turn a 20 minute drive into an hour-long trip. I’m already SUPER late for brunch!

15. To receive an standing ovation every time I finally arrive somewhere. It happened once, and I never got over it.

16. Can they just start adding individual episodes to Hulu as they premiere so I don’t have to wait for the entire season to be over to catch up because I refuse to pay for cable?

17. Red wine that doesn’t go bad after three days because I live ALONE and don’t ALWAYS drink an entire bottle of wine in one sitting, and of all the expired things I pour down the drain, wasted wine makes me the saddest

18. To perfect the art of rolling out of bed hungover and transforming into an elegant, polished lady in less than 5 minutes like Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany’s

19. A cure for seasonal allergies

20. The ability to time travel, because I’m an old soul and refuse to try online dating, and also, it really seemed to work for Claire in Outlander

21. A celebrity best friend

22. The mental capacity to still remember A) what happened on Game of Thrones last season and B) who all the characters are for the next year and a half until the final season premieres

23. A scale that can lie to you

24. The library from Beauty and the Beast

25. I believe in Global Warming, because, like, science right? But it already snowed in Chicago, and it’s not even Thanksgiving, so you know, if it could kick in a little faster, that would be great

26. A trip to West World, where they’d really know how to recognize and appreciate my talent for creating all black ensembles