Nicole Mullen

With all the denunciations of the Oscars as a display of bigotry and hatred, it’s important for us members of the media to remember that the people – the worthless peon consumers of our art – are actually capable of deciding for themselves whether or not something is offensive.

Well guys, today is a sad day for progress.

The thing about Christian holidays is that they’re all offensive.

And just like you wouldn’t want Grandma’s Opinions taught in schools, you shouldn’t want History being taught either.

See what I’m getting at here, is that she was drunk, and gin is a type of alcoholic drink.

I make all my money freelancing. And then the government takes all my money because I forget to save my receipts. And then I have to make up a bunch of shit that I consider business expenses so I can get my money back.

The “show your lovin” campaign isn’t really about improving McDonald’s image so much as it’s about literally commodifying emotions themselves.

Two nights ago, three Muslim students were shot dead outside of their apartment complex in what police are saying was an escalation of a longstanding dispute over a parking space.

Well, I’ve been saying it for my entire life (with a brief exception of a few years in my teens where I decided to be an atheist to “test the waters” of sinnery) but now I can triumphantly announce with 100% certainty that God is, without question, for real.

This could be the world. This is how Beck and the other celebs could continue making everyone’s lives better.

One of the biggest problems in journalism is when you have a really great headline, but the article itself is lacking in content.

Guys, I’m a huge fan of music. It’s something that’s unique about me.