Nicole Mullen

Dukey’s life served a purpose, and as his story tops 3 million page views, we can be sure that he would be proud of his metrics and the advertising revenue he’s brought in.

Here’s what doesn’t protect children: registering them as a sex offender because they took a picture of their dick.

It seems to just be a boy and his imaginary friend making silly faces, but let’s look a little closer.

“What? No,” said a researcher. Another refused to speak to us. Probably because the information is so groundbreaking that they’ve become speechless.

There’s really nothing I enjoy more than someone using Time magazine as a soap box to tell me about how they’re systematically silenced. It plays into my white guilt, makes me feel bad about myself, and it allows me to pretend I’m thinking critically about who I am and delude myself into believing I’m improving and doing something with my day.

“I took graphic design classes in college and I really want to do something with that. Right now I ride a bike and use tinder.”

The message is clear: if you voice unpopular opinions, your right to a television show will be permanently removed.

Luckily, as a retarded student, my son Mason will not have to learn Spanish and we can continue to live our lives as true American patriots, but as a mother and a woman with an opinion, I’m offended on behalf of the other parents at the school.

“We won’t stop justice is served,” promised a representative from the Justice Ministry. “Either that or we’ll just sort of wait until people move on to something else.”

It’s called hog rolling, and it’s the latest trend to hit conservative social media.

Go ahead, search Google. Try to find one story about a black man dying after being left in a car. You can’t.

Irony is better than having faith in anything at all.