Deflategate Controversy Ignores The Bigger Issue: Every Professional Football Player Rapes and Murders Women

I love football. I’m also a woman. Surprised, men? Well, it’s true. I love it. I even watch it sometimes during the Super Bowl. I enjoy the commercials and I like to ask who’s playing. But my favorite part of loving football and being a fan of sports in general is complaining about the behavior of the players and talking about how the sport itself is inherently problematic and how we should get rid of sports.

That’s why I’m upset about Deflategate just like everyone else is. But my anger is different because I’m not mad about it for the same reasons. I’m mad about it for more nuanced, smarter reasons.

Deflategate is, of course, the controversy surrounding Tom Brady’s recent admission that he injects air into his testicles before games to make them bigger so he’ll scare the other players and make himself better at sports. It’s like steroids but it uses air so it’s undetectable on drug tests and the only way to find out if someone has been injecting air into their balls is by squeezing the balls with your hands. This is what I’ve gleaned from the few articles I’ve skimmed while I’ve been figuring out a different way to be mad about it.

And while the first thing that comes to mind is: why are we letting men touch their own genitals without permission, my secondary, more nuanced reaction is: aren’t we missing the bigger picture here? Sure what Tom Brady did is wrong, but we’re forgetting that literally every single professional football player rapes and murders women. My question is this: Why does it take a man putting his dick and balls in DK mode before anyone bats an eye at the nefarious activities of and around the NFL? I don’t know what it’s like to be a football player, but I do know that raping and murdering women is as much a part of football culture as using a needle to inflate your testicles beyond intratesticular pressure levels. And if someone simply getting caught engaging in activity that is, for the most part, tacitly accepted by the football community at large is enough to generate this much outrage, why the hell aren’t people equally mad about the fact that every single professional football player rapes (and probably also murders) women?

This is a recurring pattern with the NFL. A player gets in trouble for something, and the media and fans react accordingly, but we always seem to gloss over the fact that the player in question is probably also a woman rapist (and murderer). Accepting that fact is one of the most difficult parts of being a football fan.

Take Michael Vick for example. He was creating dog pornography in his YOLO mansion and was rightly arrested for it. But in all the uproar over his actions, no one bothered asking, is he also a rapist? It makes sense that he would also be a rapist who murders women. He plays football, after all.

And when Aaron Hernandez was convicted of murdering a man execution style earlier this year, no one asked if the man he murdered was actually a woman. Of course, he wasn’t, he was a man, which is why anyone cared about the story at all. If Hernandez had murdered a woman, no one would have cared, because that’s just part of getting ready to play football. Maybe he even raped the man execution style as well. Maybe he sucked the man’s penis without consent before killing him. That wouldn’t be out of character for a football player. The only thing people would be mad about is the fact that he did a gay thing.

So if you’re upset about Deflategate, remember that football is bad, and we should get rid of it. Even though I love it and think it’s good, I’m willing to make that sacrifice. I’m willing to see football permanently banned if it means I chose the right thing to be mad about.