5 “Hot” Actresses That Are Actually Unfuckable Due To Advanced Age

Recently, Maggie Gyllenhaal got her old, huge panties in a bunch (a big bunch, because her huge old lady panties are huge and not small like a normal woman’s sexy underwear) over a perceived slight wherein a casting director declined to put her in a film because she was too old to be sexy. Everyone else got mad in turn, and I’m left here shaking my head thinking: wait a minute, Maggie Gyllenhaal is supposed to be sexy?

Uh, Maggie. You’re 37. You’re old. If you combined the ages of all the girls Josh Duggar molested, they still wouldn’t be as unsexy as you are. That’s just life.

Now, nevermind the fact that being a celebrity escapes you from any real oppression, Maggie here is in for a rude awakening. Yeah, you get older and you become less fuckable. Eventually, you become unfuckable. It’s not a gender thing, it’s a life thing. Women just mature faster than men, so they become unfuckable earlier. If you’re mad about it, why don’t you take it up with all the junior high girls that refuse to date anyone but high school guys? Why don’t you also complain about the fact that it takes boys an additional two years to grow pubic hair? Women don’t seem to have a problem with that, do they? No, they just hog all the pubic hair in junior high. Showing it off and pretending like it doesn’t hurt the boys’ feelings. Making everyone look at their hairy pussies and making fun of the boys for having bald, small penises that aren’t as cool as their hairy pussies. Why don’t you complain about that, too? Oh that’s right, because this is about you.

But let me stop myself, folks. It would be fucked up to lay this all on Maggie. It’s messed up to make women feel bad, that’s the opposite of what I’m trying to do. It’s actually totally common for women to get older: it happens to all of us. In fact, here’s a list of celebs that you might think are fuckable because they’re hot, when in reality, they’re completely ruined time, and as such, they’re physically disgusting!

1) Cindy Crawford

Back in the 1990s there was only one woman to jack off to or you were gay. Her name was Cindy Crawford, and with her distinctive birthmark and a splendidly crafted ad campaign by the Pepsi corporation, her modelling career transitioned into super stardom. But that was 20 years ago, and time has taken it’s toll. She looks pretty much the same as she did then, but she’s old now, and therefore the only soft drink her ass can sell anymore is the kind that helps geriatrics go to the bathroom.

Disgusting Factor: 49 Years Old 

2) Vivica A. Fox

Imagine being a hot woman and your name is literally Fox. That’s what life was like for Vivica A. Fox, who was hot, but also named Fox. You don’t hear much about Vivica anymore, probably because she should change her name to Vivica WAS A. Fox. She’s old, folks. Real old. And after 50 Cent kicked her to the curb after having his fun, no one wanted to touch her anymore. In fact I doubt she’s even allowed out in public.

Disgusting Factor: 50 Years Old

3) Demi Moore

Ashton Kutcher? More like Ashton, Kut-chur Dick Off After Sleeping With That Old Ass Mummy Bitch!

Demi Moore is the cougar famous for sleeping with Kutcher, who only dated the actress so he could grow that shit beard and wear fedoras and not get kicked out of Hollywood for looking like Calvin Klein was trying to sell high functioning autism. Demi is hot, sure, but she’s old AND she has children, and it’s a proven fact that after a woman has a child, her vagina expands to the size of the child and she’s physically incapable of having sex with men ever again.

Disgusting Factor: 52 Years Old

4) Julianne Moore

She’s one of the most beautiful women in the world, and personally, one of my favorite actresses. But guess what? She’s also unfuckable. That’s right, she’s actually so old that the last time she was actually fuckable, Reagan was president! Reagan, folks! A man so attractive that he’s been dead for almost ten years and people still jack off to him.

Disgusting Factor: 54 Years Old

5) Helen Mirren

Mirren often tops lists of older actresses that people want to have sex with, but that’s because people are disgusting and they don’t know what’s best for their genitals. Helen looks great, it’s true, but she’s old enough to be your grandmother. Sure that depression-era cooter is held tight by a lifetime of conservative attitudes, but you’ll think twice when you can’t wash the smell of Werther’s Originals off your dick.

Disgusting Factor: 69 Years Old.